Thursday Sandwiches - Happy Birthday Carrot Top!
Today's birthday (Feb. 25): You will experience a rush of emotion today as your friends and neighbors gather to celebrate you and your life. Unfortunately, as it will be your funeral, you won't get to enjoy it.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Children can spot a phony from a mile away. So you'll have to spring for a better quality wig and mustache if your kidnap plan is to be a success.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You enjoy being on a winning team and will do more than your share to achieve a victory. Although most people would agree that rigging the Special Olympics is seriously fucked up.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your sense of whimsy often goes underappreciated. Go where your brand of creativity will be celebrated. Try the local sanitarium.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): As any dinosaur would attest, adaptability is the talent of survivors. Also, small arms totally suck.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You hate to complain. But you're pretty certain you didn't order Shit Soup with a side of Turd Salad.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By acting in moderation, you'll be able to savor pleasures without ruining your chances for delights. You'll appreciate this statement right after you finish that chocolate cake, bottle of whiskey, and smoke a pack of cigarettes all in one sitting.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There are those who trust you and give you great responsibilities and impossible duties. And then there are those that realize giving an idiot like you a shotgun is probably a bad idea.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a circle you wouldn't mind being a part of. This crowd is intimidating, yet you feel that you belong there. Plus how hard is it to join the Mafia anyhow?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Would you rather win in a minor league game or lose in a major league game? Today is a great day to waste time pondering things that will never, ever, happen.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves. Except when you're being a real jerk. Then you win.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If at first you don't succeed, try, try, to stop hanging around outside his house with binoculars. He just isn't that into you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You're not trying to make fun of anyone, but Canadians just sort of make it impossible not to.