I Like This Crap: February 2010

2/28/10

AND on the 7th Day

Although it IS the day of rest, I shant leave you empty handed. I found Jesus...on twitter!

JEEEEEEEZUS <----- click meh

Enjoy.

2/27/10

Saturday Faturday

Today's birthday (Feb. 27): Instead of trying to force preconceived notions onto the world, try forcing preconceived babies into the world.

Aries (March 21-April 19): People snap to attention when you enter the room, not because they fear you but because they're strapped to a contraption that forces them to do so.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When you have less on your plate, you'll have more self-control.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): With all the recent good luck coming your way, you're starting to feel like a real winner. That denim jacket you're wearing, however, suggests otherwise.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Something is growing and changing right under your nose. Some say it's a newfound view you have of yourself. Others just call it a mustache.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The stars seem to be aligning in your favor lately. Do the universe some good by giving back to the cosmos. Make all checks payable to me, and I'll totally make sure the stars get it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The strength in the confidence of your work is only outweighed by the strength of your delusional perception of your own abilities.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The evidence is in, and you will be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt: You are NOT the father.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a task you think of every day. You'll feel a great wave of relief if you just remove it from your to-do list for good. What I am getting at is just kill your wife already.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A persistent problem remains. Care less about the outcome, and just observe whether or not the rash appears to be spreading.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You'll have the ear of those who will benefit from listening to another point of view. You might want to think about giving it back sometime though.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Watch and understand the ties between people. Also watch where they keep their spare house key and what times of day they are usually not home. I'll explain more later.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Who says you have to be pushy to get things done? Switch it up a bit and see how being a condescending asshole works out instead.

2/26/10

Friday Means Jesus With a GUN

Today's birthday (Feb. 26): You are a beloved leader, dear Pisces. You encourage others to strive for their full potential. Your ideas and lectures will inspire people to start seeing their world in a new, interesting way. Unfortunately, after about 35 years of this inspiration people will get bored and decide to stick you on a cross. Maybe you should rethink your career.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Today you will realize that all it truly takes to be happy is finding acceptance from within. That and a bitchin' scooter and a billion million dollars.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made. Remember Taurus, things are not always as delicious as they seem.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Tonight, you'll enjoy a challenge that could only happen in today's technological world. Think TRON but slightly less gay.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): When things don't work one way, change your approach and try again. Hint: Try the back door before 7 AM, she will probably still be sleeping and you will catch her totally off guard.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Why toil away when you can delegate? Why do today what you can tomorrow? Good idea. I think I'll write this horoscope later.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're an inventor. You are creating something special. However, it will take others a little time before they see that taping pens to your fingers really saves time. Be patient.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Being sensitive is at once a blessing and a curse. But do us all a favor, Libra. Leave your shitty fucking attitude at home or you're fired.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The usual methods won't work today. Try doing things backward, upside down and any way other than the normal way. Yes, I do mean this sexually.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You'll be competing. Keep in mind that to be noticed, you will have to greatly surpass what the others are doing. Try lighting yourself on fire.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you feel it, do it. Don't hesitate, or you'll end up shitting your pants in the car.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Uncomfortable scenarios must play out for you to get the lesson. Unfortunately the lesson for today will be "What your parents look like naked".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a way of bridging the gaps between people. I mean like literally. You're a fantastic bridge builder.

2/25/10

Thursday Sandwiches - Happy Birthday Carrot Top!

Today's birthday (Feb. 25): You will experience a rush of emotion today as your friends and neighbors gather to celebrate you and your life. Unfortunately, as it will be your funeral, you won't get to enjoy it.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Children can spot a phony from a mile away. So you'll have to spring for a better quality wig and mustache if your kidnap plan is to be a success.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You enjoy being on a winning team and will do more than your share to achieve a victory. Although most people would agree that rigging the Special Olympics is seriously fucked up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your sense of whimsy often goes underappreciated. Go where your brand of creativity will be celebrated. Try the local sanitarium.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As any dinosaur would attest, adaptability is the talent of survivors. Also, small arms totally suck.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You hate to complain. But you're pretty certain you didn't order Shit Soup with a side of Turd Salad.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By acting in moderation, you'll be able to savor pleasures without ruining your chances for delights. You'll appreciate this statement right after you finish that chocolate cake, bottle of whiskey, and smoke a pack of cigarettes all in one sitting.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There are those who trust you and give you great responsibilities and impossible duties. And then there are those that realize giving an idiot like you a shotgun is probably a bad idea.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a circle you wouldn't mind being a part of. This crowd is intimidating, yet you feel that you belong there. Plus how hard is it to join the Mafia anyhow?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Would you rather win in a minor league game or lose in a major league game? Today is a great day to waste time pondering things that will never, ever, happen.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves. Except when you're being a real jerk. Then you win.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If at first you don't succeed, try, try, to stop hanging around outside his house with binoculars. He just isn't that into you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You're not trying to make fun of anyone, but Canadians just sort of make it impossible not to.

2/24/10

Horoscopes II: Revenge of the 'Scope

Today's Birthday: You'll love the constant attention you get today as you seem to radiate confidence. That confidence, however, will turn out to be just plain radiation.

Aries (March 21-April 19): It is very easy to say yes you'll learn today, so have fun with those 40 pairs of acid washed jeans you got suckered into buying from your weird neighbor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Getting the answer isn't as important as wondering about the question. You'll ponder how true this really is when"Where were you at 10 PM on March 30th?" is continually asked by the prosecuting lawyer.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You treasure your friends. However, the sudden visual of buried treasure friends will seem much more appealing today.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As a naturally inquisitive sign, you'll spend time today learning the kind of knowledge you can't get in the library. You can, however, get this knowledge from the STD brochure you've been meaning to read.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Nothing worth doing can be accomplished without passion and that fire burning inside you. You just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You'll be dealing with many types of belief systems within the workplace today. It would be wise not to take sides. They all deserve to be made judged and made fun of equally.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Children sometimes make the mistake of offering a defense before they are accused. This may not do them much good in the playground but they certainly make excellent lawyers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Your strong suit today will be the organization of your professional life. It will also be what blocks those bullets and prevents you from ever catching on fire in style.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Talk to the person in charge. If you sense that someone doesn't have a handle on things, don't hesitate to go to the next person. Do whatever you need to do to finally get the question of "Who let the dogs out?" answered.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's a good time for going out. It really doesn't matter where you go or with whom as you'll be the main attraction. Try not to get too cocky, Capricorn, as having no face tends to get this type of reaction.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You're too cool to beg, plead, complain or explain. Not like you need anyone to tell you that. Your mom does a pretty good job on her own.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You realize that most people are thinking of themselves. This works in your favor though because honestly, no one wants to picture you naked anyhow.

2/23/10

Horoscopez I

Today's Birthday: A horse is a horse, of course, of course. That is unless, of course, it's not.

Aries (March 21-April 19): As much as you would like to take a leap of faith, daring Aries, the combination of heavy pants and your irrational fear of cliche's makes this nearly impossible.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): As a bull-headed Taurus, you have your own way of dealing with things. However, using your aunt's favorite monogrammed wash cloth as toilet paper is probably the wrong way to go about addressing your resentment over receiving a frozen pizza for Christmas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your willingness to be patient and support your loved one's new aspiration of becoming an Extreme BMX racer has brought you closer together. Embrace this heightened state of closeness, for it will prove invaluable as a memory once you move on and decide to date someone slightly less stupid.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As a Cancer, you are usually prepared for the unexpected. However, at the beginning of the week, not even you will see that Metro Bus coming.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Passion fuels action. Beans fuel fartion. Learn it, love it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A special person in your life may flake out on you this week. Try not to take this singular incidence too seriously. The reality is that most people in your life hate you, but this person was the only one that had the balls to do something about it. Consider it progress.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your job will take a turn for the peculiar when that PowerPoint presentation you spent hours on is suddenly inundated with pictures of LOLcats 5 minutes before your meeting. Consider this a sign from the cosmos: You're going to get fired but it will be adorable and hilarious.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You have your favorite times of the day. Then there are those hours that are less fun. But then again, Grandma's ass won't wipe itself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The side job you think you don't have time for will be the one that you find inspires you the most this week. As a bonus, raping and murdering hookers turns out to take a lot less time than you originally anticipated.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know what you're good at, and you do it over and over today. As a result, your jerk off muscle nearly doubles in size.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are entering an explosively productive and creative period. Expect odd looks from some strangers. Getting people to see menstruation as art will take time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Dissecting someone else's work will be an excellent way to keep you on track with your own. Unfortunately for you someone else's work involves a moose head.

New Theme: Horoscope Week!

This week all you astrology loving weirdos will get a taste of your future via my daily horoscopes.

Enjoy, losers!

My vanity reigns supreme!

Hello flapjacks. Not only is today NATIONAL PANCAKES DAY but it is also the day I succumb once and for all to my need for validation via the interweb.

I have been a vegetarian for almost 4 years and it hasn't brought me ANY notoriety. I am pissed.

However, now I have a chance to make my dreams come true. I submitted my nerdiest self portrait in an attempt to note only prove that nerdiness is better, but also (more importantly) to win a trip to Hawaii for two. That works out because that way both me and my huge ego can go.

I know you don't know me, but I am giving out free handjobs for all those that submit a vote. TRUTH.

Vote here.

2/17/10

Insert Weiner

Friends with weed, friends with benefits - 35 (valencia)

Date: 2010-02-17, 5:32PM PST

Single white grandma, live alone in the valencia area, good career, good education, safe and sane, laid back, clean & disease free, smart, fun and good kisser.
seriously looking for a fairly regular friend to hang out with, smoke some 420, watch a movie, have fun in bed, go out to dinner with, go see a museum exhibition with, etc., but without the heaviness of labels
Emphasis though is primarily on getting high and sexed up.
So if this is your thing, I am pretty good company, and having a regular friend with benefits is so much safer, better, cooler than looking all the time for someone to hook up with.

2/10/10

Crispy or Original

KFC - m4m (East Palmdale)

Date: 2010-02-04, 10:12AM PST

I'm looking for a guy that is black who had a red sweater type shirt and I believe blue jeans also you were bald with I believe was one ear piercing. I saw you at KFC yesterday and you were talking to some lady in there while your order was being prepared. If you're interested hit me up

Romance isn't dead, it's in the gutter.

You lugied in my sewer hole - m4w

Date: 2010-02-04, 1:12AM PS

I was working in the manhole on Sunset & Curson last Friday around noon. I guess you didnt notice my little orange cones and barrier tape because there you were as I was climbing out. The noise my compressor was making made your shouting sound like a Gerbal trying to scratch it's way out of a dead homo's ass. I just kept my sweating hands clenched tight onto my poly-carbonate ladder, my mouth at the same level as your freshly shaved love puff. It kept trying to pull my mouth to it. Like sideways gravity. I adored your stylish florescent green faux patent leather mini skirt that came all the way up to your fur line (if there had been fur, that is) . My nipple's stiffened as I caught a glimpse of the silhouette of your clitoris bar bell piercing. I invisioned your barbell drenched in my fresh jizz-oleo, standing proud and true against the American horizon. As I looked up at you I was greeted with the sight of the bottom of your melon ta ta's in a see through chromed halter top. I fantasized about my hot floppy skiing down between your fat banana tittied slopes, my tongue lapping you up greedily all the way down to your Chocolate starfish where I would mercilessly pound down on your squiggly brown round. Our time was cut short by the big green "walk" sign on that pole. You spun around on those sparkly red fuck me pumps, like the ones Dorothy clicked in "the Wizard of Oz". As I watched you walk away you turned to take that final one last long look. Tears welled in my eyes, I thru up my hands screaming "Goodbye my love!". You blew me a kiss.... then hocked a massive green phlegm wad and lugied into my sewer hole. I watched in slow motion as it descended into the pitch black void...down....down. Then...impact. At that very moment, my compressor ran out of gas and for a moment it was silent, like the earth had froze. The silence reduced to the ever present ambient ringing one hears when there's nothing to hear. And...you were gone. Eventually, life returned to normal. I grabbed my gas can and headed for the petro-dollar squirting nozzles of the entrenched power base as sewer rats swarmed your mucous laden saliva that was way down low, back in my sewer hole.

Baby Rapey

Pull-ups, 3-4T (Narnia)

Date: 2010-02-08, 3:51PM PST

I have an opened package of girls pull-ups. I was curious.

There are about 20 in the package, size 3-4. (32-40lbs.)

If you want 'em, come and get 'em. The girl usin' em is down in the dungeon with the others.

Please call me at 626-XXX-5995. I can use all the good vibes I can get, so, I figured I'd send some good stuff someone else's way.

Run, Don't Walk

Free Adult Diapers - 3 packs (Northridge)

Date: 2010-02-09, 9:25PM PST

Three packs of unopened diapers for a man size large/xlarge. Please only contact if you are ready to come and pick these up. Will give to the first person that shows up.

Sort of.

Nordic Track ski machine. . . sortof (Brentwood)

Date: 2010-02-10, 11:41AM PST

This Nordic Track cross country ski simulator is in good condition but the arm pulleys have stopped working. They look reasonably easy to repair, perhaps using a Marine store's equipment, but for now, they don't. This means that you would use the foot part and either no hand weights (so it would be like a high-quality, private walking exercise) or hand weights (which is what I use). The option of using hand weights is great because you can adjust the angles of pull to get a more complete work out.

I just want it to have a good home.

If you can take it, please email me.

2/9/10

Gandumbledorf?!

More than 20 Wizard Magazines. (Koreatown Vermont & Beverly)

Date: 2010-02-08, 4:31PM PST

I have about 2 dozen Wizard Magazines from the past couple of years.

I'm moving to a different perch on the side of a mountain and don't have room for them.

Come and pick them up or they're being thrown out on Wednesday.

MMMMM

PRETTY YOUNG WF AT AMSCOT(192) IN KISSIMMEE - m4w - 28 (KISSIMMEE)

Date: 2010-02-07, 8:04PM EST

YOU BEAUTIFUL YOUNG TENDERONI, AT THE AMSCOT ON 192 IN KISSIMMEE NEXT TO OSCEOLA MALL. I'VE BEEN IN THERE A COUPLE TIMES AND YOU CASHED MY CHECK. I SHOULD HAVE SLIPPED YOU MY # THEN, NOW I HAVE TO WAIT TIL NEXT PAYDAY. BUT I WANT YOU, EVEN IF YOUR TAKEN.

2/8/10

I'll FROLF you all night long.

Frisbeetarians - w4m - 26 (Lakewood)

Date: 2010-02-01, 5:05PM PST

To the Frisbeetarians cruisin' down Los Coyotes last night: My gf and I were driving behind you, liked your bumperstick and wanted to know if you wanna kick it sometime.

Tell me which cartoon character is on your back window to prevent identity theft.

Seriously though guys.

I need a DEEP deep tissue massage - m4m

Date: 2010-02-06, 9:13AM PST

I've been looking for a masseur that give a really good deep tissue massage. I've been to a couple guys and they couldn't go as deep as I need it. I'm looking for something legitimate, so just a massage, no extras. Please provide me your rate, contact information, cock size and any details about your massage. I can cum to you. Seriously though, legit inquiries only. Professional masseurs only.

I don't think so, Tim!

Sub looking for HAIRY MIDDLE EASTERN - persian, armenian, arab, handyman (sfv)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:39PM PST

Twenty seven, five eleven, one fifty, clean and discrete

Looking for a masculine middle eastern to servive, maybe on a regular basis. I can host or travel, or even do car scene

aggressive, hairy, dom, verbal, ws, persian, armenian, arab, dad, married, handyman

Wanted: Vests and a Firm Handshake

Anybody up for some hot making out ?????? - 22 (LA/Valleys)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:48PM PST

Hey dudes,

Is anybody up for some hot making out tonight? I have a real weakness for some full lips. like mine. LOL. I also get into a bunch of other things, but I want to start slow with some passionate french kissing. See where things go. Maybe some oral, j/o.

LOOKING FOR A NO PRESSURE THING. JUST HANG FOR A BIT AND EXPLORE EACH OTHER.

I'M a 22 year old college student and I'm about 5'10. I play some basketball and love to go rock climbing. I have a lean body (about 155 lbs or so). Boyish face w/ full lips.
MY MOM IS MEXICAN AND MY DAD IS FROM AUSTRIA. SO I GUESS I'VE GOT KINDA OF A INTERNATIONAL LOOK.

GET BACK AT ME WITH A FACE PIC AND SOME STATS, IF YOU ARE THAT HOT KISSER I'M LOOKING FOR.

ADIOS

Not Weird.

BENEFACTOR NEEDS MUSE & PAJAMA PARTNER- 47 (Westside)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:18PM PST

Businessman, attractive, insightful, and not weird, seeks pretty, fun, woman, 18-32, to enjoy, encourage, subsidize, and spoil in my limited free hours. Mutual liking and chemistry a must.

Theme Week!

My theme will now be: Craigslist is Weird.

Just in time for Valentine's Day. You too can find weird love online!

2/2/10

The Case of the Mysterious Butlock

If you ever find yourself smack dab in the middle of a full fledged cat fight, remember, the cat's most vulnerable area is the butlock.

However, it has also been said that cats are found to be sensitive near their front facing whiskers and behind their centrally located, backwards facing ear.

If in doubt, try grabbing their hind leg, but be careful. This leg can vary depending on which way they are facing.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Tho. Fuckin. Cool.

Hey LOLfagth, ith me, Teddy. Better known to you ath King of Darkneth89.

Thith ith my new camera and ith thooper freakin' thweet.

I am tho taking thith out to my nexth LARPing party with Jake and Derek...I mean with Lord AlderbongXX and 69PrinthHellcock.

Thee ya thoon!

Safe Sex!

And you thought romance was dead! You stupid asshole.

How many of us girls lie awake at night dreaming of our Knight in Shining Bubble Wrap Underwear and Sort of Overall Generic Plastic Medieval Looking Attire? I know I do. AND I happen to know for a fact that you do too. (I seeeeeee yooooou.)

Siiiiigh. Thou est dreamy.

America! Fuck Yeah!

This here is my pet eagle, Patriot. Patriot is so goddamn smart he knows how to fetch me my bourbon every mornin at the crack of 11:30 AM. I love this fuckin bird so goddamn much I kicked my 3rd wife out of the house cause she kept complainin about picking up after this bird and all his crazy american pride themed parties. Patriot is also so fuckin clever I found him sittin in my den on my computer typin up a manifesto about the 2nd coming of Jesus and how the girl scounts are a bunch of fuckin commies they need to be shown who's boss.

Wooo-eeeee! You're goddamn right I love this bird. America is the motherfuckin best goddamn country on this entire stinkin shitfest planet. I DARE you to prove me and Patriot wrong. I won't live anywhere where a motherfuckin' eagle aint got a right to carry a blade around in his beak. I'll kill for that right. I'll swim across the goddamn ocean and kill a whole army of people I don't know just to fight for that right!

America! Fuck yeah!

Confusing? More like Funfusing!

I'd like to take a moment now to dedicate this post to BUMPER POOL.

You took a game that was already hard and made it even harder! I don't really understand the rules but I don't need to. So don't worry BUMPER POOL, like I told my grandpa, everything I needed to know about you I learned while playing with your balls.

Best. line. ever.

Cat Beard Concerned for Brett Erlich Face

Brett Erlich Face,

Cat Beard see you on internet recently and felt much fear to see no cat or beard on face. Cat Beard very concerned for you. How you on TV? Your cat beard too small to see from far? Scared feeling for you, Brett Erlich little boy face. You be man now and grow cat beard too.

Cat Beard also see pale white Brett Erlich skin and wonder if sick. Brett Erlich afraid of sun? Cat Beard teach you to use knife so no afraid of nothing. Cat Beard thinks only thing to be afraid of is Brett Erlich bad jacket selection. Cat Beard send you personal shopper.

Cat Beard had long dream where ancient cat beard leader came and said Brett Erlich haircut is not for man but for boy and very dangerous. Many people got sick. Many animals died. Brett Erlich killed my tribe with his haircut. Cat Beard shed single tear when wake up. Cat Beard even skip Starbucks on way to work cause so sad. Cat Beard says you change hair now, Brett Erlich shame face. Don't kill my people.

Please get help with face and head. For Cat Beard sake. For everyone sake.

Friendship,

Cat Beard