And On the 3rd Day...

Heeeeey everyone. It’s me, Jesus Christ, and these are my balls.

See, the thing about balls...wait, let me rephrase. The thing about my balls is that every now and again, usually when I am at my grandma's house relaxing after a long afternoon of helping coach the local junior high school swim competition, they need to be warmed up just right to help me "prepare" for the next competition. Like I told those cops, I know I am not the one competing. But as long as I am there every day, helping motivate those strong young boys swim even one more lap, with or without their consent, I feel like I already am a winner, you know? Strict discipline and aggressive training is required if you want to be the best. And nothing says discipline and training like warming your balls on the table with your shoes off.

I can't even tell you how many Sunday dinners I've spent warming my balls near the old timey stove my grandma keeps to help pump smoke into the walls. Or more recently during the holidays, I switched it up to a basic 3 candle ball-warming routine, which let me tell you, TOTALLY gets the job done right.

My grandma often asks me, "Jesus, what would you say you are most passionate about? Swim competitions or Drag racing posters?" I take my grandma's delicate hands, similar in feel to that of a small Asian boy and I say sincerely, "Grandma, I think we both know my greatest passion in life is warming my balls". Of course that usually sends us both into a fit of giggles and I have to try desperately to keep my soft brown locks from falling into my eyes because I absolutely LOVE watching her laugh.


Area Man Attempts to Redeem Coupon at Wrong Location, Notices Too Late

By Erika Schmidt

On Tuesday morning, local area man Jacob Smith attempted to redeem a coupon for a free bagel and coffee at the drive thru Dairy Donuts near his home, only to discover the offer was only valid at selected locations.

Smith claims he had the coupon for no more than 3 weeks yet admitted he never closely examined the content.

"My mistake now is obvious," Smith told the local authorities while shaking his head.

Upon arriving at the Dairy Donuts on the corner of Wilshire and Lexington, Smith ordered a small vanilla coffee and onion bagel with extra cream cheese.

"I guess I got a little carried away," Smith claimed in his first public appearance since the incident. "When they suggested I pick a flavor, I did so. I wasn't looking for argument. I simply wanted my free coffee and bagel. "

Smith said after being instructed to drive up to the first window, he searched for the coupon in his wallet. After handing the wrinkled coupon to the cashier, Smith described what happened next.

"The cashier looked it over and then curtly told me the coupon is only valid at the Wilshire and Washington location. I was stunned. The locations were within miles of each other. To make matters worse I remembered instantly I used my last $3 to buy that pack of gum at the store the night before. I realized the last 6 minutes waiting for my coffee and bagel had been a waste, and I was about to leave without either."

When questioned by authorities Smith admits to rarely having used coupons in the past.

"I'd say I've only gone through the process 2, maybe 3 times before, I'm no expert. Truthfully, the whole thing makes me sort of...uncomfortable."

Dairy Donuts refused to comment on this story but did refer us to their website where a copy of the coupon was made available.

"I guess this just isn't the sort of thing you think will happen to you," Smith explains, "I mean you hear it happening to other people, a friend of a friend, but never to you. It just really hit home. It's enough to turn you into a tea drinker for life."


Not weird.

What? It's Sunday evening. What else is there to do?

Puh-lease don't even act like you are too good to play a game of "Put Dough On Your Face While Whiskers Prances In Front Of Your Grandma's Couch". It's a classic.

I'd have just gone with clowns.

Happy Birthday Little-kid-somewhere-out-there-whose-parents-clearly-hate-him-or-her-and-are-passive-aggressively-trying-to-ruin-their-mental-well-being-by-giving-them-this-disturbing-Lil-Wayne-cake.

You grow up so fast!


Dr. Sands...of time?

Cavities, root canals, time travel.

Fat Guy on a rock.

That is all.

Relax, everyone!

Now THIS is an apocalyptic future I can get behind!


Technology explained in a way I can understand.

Keep up the good work, 'copter dog!

That's right buddy!

Only a true gentlemen covers up his butt hole during meetings.

Class, style, poise.

Can't beat these amenities!

In the spirit of trying to find a new place to live, I was deeply moved by this photo.

Our recently remodeled units feature:
  • Granite countertops
  • Extra storage and walk in closets
  • Outdoor pools
  • Private entrance/driveway
  • Moon rocks
Wait, what?

Now this is my kind of circus!

What is black and white and rode all over?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night.

I wonder how many bears and/or horses had to die before they got this training right.

Do you think there are any illicit inter-species love affairs going on behind the scenes as there usually are in most circus type atmospheres? I sure hope so. I would pay big bucks for a Borse.

Leave your rubber chickens at home...

Well, I will know one thing for sure. I will never be found shopping here.