Friday Means Jesus With a GUN
Today's birthday (Feb. 26): You are a beloved leader, dear Pisces. You encourage others to strive for their full potential. Your ideas and lectures will inspire people to start seeing their world in a new, interesting way. Unfortunately, after about 35 years of this inspiration people will get bored and decide to stick you on a cross. Maybe you should rethink your career.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Today you will realize that all it truly takes to be happy is finding acceptance from within. That and a bitchin' scooter and a billion million dollars.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made. Remember Taurus, things are not always as delicious as they seem.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Tonight, you'll enjoy a challenge that could only happen in today's technological world. Think TRON but slightly less gay.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): When things don't work one way, change your approach and try again. Hint: Try the back door before 7 AM, she will probably still be sleeping and you will catch her totally off guard.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Why toil away when you can delegate? Why do today what you can tomorrow? Good idea. I think I'll write this horoscope later.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're an inventor. You are creating something special. However, it will take others a little time before they see that taping pens to your fingers really saves time. Be patient.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Being sensitive is at once a blessing and a curse. But do us all a favor, Libra. Leave your shitty fucking attitude at home or you're fired.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The usual methods won't work today. Try doing things backward, upside down and any way other than the normal way. Yes, I do mean this sexually.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You'll be competing. Keep in mind that to be noticed, you will have to greatly surpass what the others are doing. Try lighting yourself on fire.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you feel it, do it. Don't hesitate, or you'll end up shitting your pants in the car.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Uncomfortable scenarios must play out for you to get the lesson. Unfortunately the lesson for today will be "What your parents look like naked".
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a way of bridging the gaps between people. I mean like literally. You're a fantastic bridge builder.