Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

I accidentally ran this over with my car the other day, but not before taking it out on a date and tickling it while it sat on my lap (per my usual date routine).

Much like the wine, the conversation was a bit dry and it was nearly impossible to avoid asking the one question that was on everyone's mind...do the curtains match the pubes?

Answer: yes?

ChompChompChomp

I feel like this is what Ann Coulter's vagina looks like.

I'm taking a risk here, people.

I include this image not because it is hilarious on it's own, but rather that I saw it on a site next to the caption, "But will he ever poop again?"

Oh white panties guy, I hope you find whatever it is you're lookin' for.

Back to the (sexy) Future

I've been talkin to my good pal S. Dubs lately about what true love really means. Well shit, girl. We spent way too much time talkin' and not enough time traveling into the future to take this snapshot of my wedding day. Well, it's either my wedding day or my brother and I officially lose our shit.

If you can find a happier naked fat couple with matching fat kittehs, then I will buy you a friend or two to take up more of your time and have a serious case of the sads for you.

Extra cheese, mushrooms, and ghost hand.

I showed this picture to my cat earlier and was like, "Duuuude, what the fuck?! Do you see that shit?" and my cat was like, "Maaaan, whatever. That shit is totally fake. Like your face."

I can't really take anything my cat said too seriously. He was 3 beers deep already. We sure had a good laugh though.

Next time, I'll bring the beer and you bring the poodles.

I may have had one hell of a Slip N Slide party recently, complete with fireworks (and ICE) but the one thing I didn't provide my guests were gay poodles. NEXT TIME.

Welcome...

To my dreams.

I don't know about you, but this is kind of how I see all cats when I look at them.

Scientists somewhere on this planet took some time off recently from finding the cure for cancer and got down to some serious business.

Apparently this little guy is an 'artistic rendering' of what over 2,000 combined survey results would classify as the perfect pet. Apparently only those that were high on LSD at the time were questioned.

Perfect pet, eh? Come on now. Unless that catdograbbithorse opens his mouth and money, a Pegasus and Daniel Radcliffe's semen comes out, then I aint buyin'.

Semen?!

Take 2 and call me in the morning.

My gynecologist uses special glasses to see into my ovaries and tell their future.

My uterus got some rave reviews. All in all, it was a pretty perfect exam. Aced it!

Although, it would have been better if my doctor hadn't been giggling the whole way through.

I can't wait to die.

Because when I do, I will get one of these urns and creep the shit out of everyone who cared for me when I was alive.