Today's birthday (March 9): This month, something amazing happens: You communicate the things that bother you, and loved ones change their behavior. This is accomplished in part by writing these requests in a letter scribbled with your own blood and stapling it to their dog.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You'll feel powerful when you make something new. You'll feel even more powerful when you blow it the fuck up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Make time for love, and love will stretch that time in wonderful ways. Just to be sure to bring an extra pair of pants.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): There's a lot that has to happen before you can put your thoughts into action. You need money, time and a good body double. Take your time with this. You really can't afford to go back to jail.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You control how quickly you move up in the world by monitoring what you do. You just wish this escalator would move faster.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): However much you're moving your body, turn it up. You need to be strong mentally and physically for challenges ahead. Not everyone has to lead a marketing meeting while running in place, so be prepared.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A prideful person you know may be making a mistake. Others want to tear this person down. You, however, build a shrine celebrating their mistakes instead.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There is logic behind your decision to stay away from a certain person. Stand by it. That person most definitely ate a greasy burrito for lunch.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Remember not to expect others to have the same goals and standards. Your desire to eat that many hot dogs in one sitting truly is what makes you unique.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's unlikely that you'll fall into a groove over the next few days, but that's a good thing because that groove is about 200 feet deep and completely full of snakes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The thing you used to enjoy so much is now becoming slightly tedious. This is just a signal that it is time to modify your schedule. Also, if you come home later you'll be able to avoid your wife altogether.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You deserve to get on track now. Set a deadline and tell people about it. Include it in the next memo to your coworkers entitled "10 Days to Stop Wasting Copy Paper or Else".
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): An event is too important to deal with casually. Make specific plans. You'll pull off something grand. Wearing a top hat never hurts either.