My Goddamn Cat

Here is a shocker. I own a cat. (see above)

My cat whose legal name is Violet but can also be referred to as Kittymuffins, Kitty Mitty, Princess Kittyface, Lil KittyMitty McMuffins, and fucker, is a complete and total bitch. Period.

I get home every night from work at around the same time, partially because I have to get to my neighborhood by 7 PM if I plan to find legal parking but also because I know if I am not home by a certain time to feed that furry whore, she will use her claws to scratch "Die Bitch" into my hardwood floors.

In typical cat fashion, she likes to toy with my heart. She is all cutesy meowface for the first 60 seconds I am home. Snuggle, purr, mew, repeat. That is of course until I get within a 3 foot radius of her food bowl, then she begins clawing her way out of my grip with the intensity of a jaguar. I drop her stupid little body onto the kitchen floor so I can use my free hands to scoop her overpriced fish shaped food chunks into the metal bowl. Then, I wait for the face...

This is the face that she always gives me before she eats to let me know how disappointed she is in my ability to provide for her. She walks up the bowl, sniffs, then turns around and looks up at me like, "This is the best you can do?" I can almost feel her sighing with defeat as she turns back around and begins to nibble on the apparently sub par food choice.

As much as I know it's not my fault and she is just a stuck up bitch, I can't help but feel a little guilty each night as I leave the kitchen.

Goddamn cat!