Return Policy?

While perusing the internet looking for young girls to buy, I found this little harlot trying to rip people off. I wrote her an angry letter:

Dear Jon Benet,
Um, HELLO???? No one is going to want to rape and torture you if you have a giant hole in your face. Get a clue.

Always watching,
Rapey

What's the point of raping a little girl if you can't wear her face afterwards? She better come with replacement parts or I want my $50 back.

Hittin the bottle again.

This bitch is waaaasted!

Safety first.

Always remember to stretch before going into the pool.

Also, is this girl 12 or 35? I can't tell.

Instructions for petting a cat.

Man, I've been doing it wrong.

Aw, thanks man.

This just goes to show you that just about anything looks cool while smoking.

This cat is out on a date and is totally gonna get laid by red nail polish lady.

Now Showing

This cat's ass is playing the series finale of Dallas now through August 1st.

Funny side note: I saw this photo about 3 times before I noticed those were mimes.

I'm losing my mime!

Go out with a bang!

Ladies and gentlemen...

What you  are viewing here is cutting edge science. This is one of the first snapshots that scientists were able to get of my FUTURE.  Future capturing camera has shown us what we have all already assumed...

I will be one hot raccoon-sweater wearing, bong hittin,  boozin grandma.

The best part is, I don't even smoke weed in the present, or past.  I think it's completely retarded. 

However, it would seem future Erika gets retarded.  Progress?

Old School

This really brings me back. 

Back to the days of Gentlemanly cats and my old catch phrase.

I have a problem.

Yea. I google weird stuff sometimes.

Today I tried 'Hot Mother'.

Aside from the many...MANY gross pornographic things I saw, I found this little gemstone:

This adorable little memaw is brought to us by a budding photographer who made her thesis into a project about capturing candid snapshots of the mentally ill, homeless alcoholics, and chronically retarded population of Philadelphia*.

*Not all people from Philadelphia are crazy, drunk, or retarded. Just most.

Okay everyone, on the count of 3. 1...2....

3...

WHAT THE FRUCK?!?!

Your guess is as good as mine.

I am a jerk.

I get a lot of great material sent my way.  I say 'great material' like I am some sort of movie industry person that has scripts and things of that nature stacked upon my desk.    Sigh. No.

What I mean to say is that I have a lot of weird friends that send me dumb internet shit all day long and I made this blog as a way to store it somewhere in time and space.

My brain doesn't want it, is what I am getting at.  But just because it's not good enough for my brain, doesn't mean you can't have it.

What headline?

Do I need one? I mean...seriously.  I love crazy cat-tards (I am one) because we don't even need to explain WHY these photos are funny, they just are.

Keep castin your spells, wizard cat!

E's got legs, and MC² knows how to use them!

What was Albie thinking taking this sexy little picture on the beach? Who was he with? Did they name the drink Sex on the Beach after this photo? I hope so.

Now, the legs...

Do you also have the 'Rachel' haircut?

Oh my god, the internet is so 1996.

You people need to get with it and try this thing.  It's a new, convenient and totally inconspicuous technological device.  It's main features include: adding body weight, telling you the time (of your life!), and giving you a reason to flex when showing the chicks at your place of employment your new gadget.

It's available now for 3 easy payments of $something in the imagined future that never came to be.99

Artistic Expression

I'd like to teach an after school origami class to lower income and disadvantaged children.

However, I'd like to surprise these children with the end result being an origami paper KKK outfit, complete with eye holes.

History lesson too, no?

MLK can RIP in HVN tonight.

If dogs can do it, then why can't we?

You'd be surprised how much I say that phrase.

Teenagers are stupid.

I saw this web site recently where 'history based twitters' (is it tweets?) are posted and my first reaction was, "Oh. They realize kids are so retarded these days the only way to get them to learnify is to communicate in a way they understand". A dumb way.

I got so bummed out about the nature of stupid kids these days that I posted a status update about it on my facebook (via twitter), put up an away message on AIM saying 'SO unavailable', then I wrote this blog about it. Also Myspace, Friendster, and LinkedIn were there.

Laaaaaaaaame.

PS. Remember ICQ?

PPS. Lewis and Clark's relationship status says 'It's Complicated'.  

PPPS. You know I am right.

Date Rape For Kids!

Garfield Minus Garfield is cool, I get it.  

But what most people don't seem to notice is how many of the "comics sans Garfield" make Jon Arbuckle seem like a creepy lady raper.

Was the main ingredient in Garfield's lasagna really just mutilated genitals?

Pfft...As if there's any other kind.

The Internet is hard.

I have absolutely no idea how to take out the garbage in Sweden.

When words just won't do it.

This is how I would draw "love" if I could draw. Or photoshop. Or take photos. Or fly in jetpackchairs.

I like when it climbs.

To answer the question ALL of you will ask when you start watching this... YES, it is real.

I wonder what # 7 is?

Please take note of this very special edition of your MSN homepage.

I guess they were either out of things to write about or someone in the office experienced a very awkward conversation with little Timmy when he asked, "But isn't GramGram coming to dinner?"