Saturday Faturday

Today's birthday (Feb. 27): Instead of trying to force preconceived notions onto the world, try forcing preconceived babies into the world.

Aries (March 21-April 19): People snap to attention when you enter the room, not because they fear you but because they're strapped to a contraption that forces them to do so.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When you have less on your plate, you'll have more self-control.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): With all the recent good luck coming your way, you're starting to feel like a real winner. That denim jacket you're wearing, however, suggests otherwise.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Something is growing and changing right under your nose. Some say it's a newfound view you have of yourself. Others just call it a mustache.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The stars seem to be aligning in your favor lately. Do the universe some good by giving back to the cosmos. Make all checks payable to me, and I'll totally make sure the stars get it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The strength in the confidence of your work is only outweighed by the strength of your delusional perception of your own abilities.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The evidence is in, and you will be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt: You are NOT the father.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a task you think of every day. You'll feel a great wave of relief if you just remove it from your to-do list for good. What I am getting at is just kill your wife already.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A persistent problem remains. Care less about the outcome, and just observe whether or not the rash appears to be spreading.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You'll have the ear of those who will benefit from listening to another point of view. You might want to think about giving it back sometime though.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Watch and understand the ties between people. Also watch where they keep their spare house key and what times of day they are usually not home. I'll explain more later.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Who says you have to be pushy to get things done? Switch it up a bit and see how being a condescending asshole works out instead.