Horoscopez I

Today's Birthday: A horse is a horse, of course, of course. That is unless, of course, it's not.

Aries (March 21-April 19): As much as you would like to take a leap of faith, daring Aries, the combination of heavy pants and your irrational fear of cliche's makes this nearly impossible.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): As a bull-headed Taurus, you have your own way of dealing with things. However, using your aunt's favorite monogrammed wash cloth as toilet paper is probably the wrong way to go about addressing your resentment over receiving a frozen pizza for Christmas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your willingness to be patient and support your loved one's new aspiration of becoming an Extreme BMX racer has brought you closer together. Embrace this heightened state of closeness, for it will prove invaluable as a memory once you move on and decide to date someone slightly less stupid.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As a Cancer, you are usually prepared for the unexpected. However, at the beginning of the week, not even you will see that Metro Bus coming.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Passion fuels action. Beans fuel fartion. Learn it, love it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A special person in your life may flake out on you this week. Try not to take this singular incidence too seriously. The reality is that most people in your life hate you, but this person was the only one that had the balls to do something about it. Consider it progress.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your job will take a turn for the peculiar when that PowerPoint presentation you spent hours on is suddenly inundated with pictures of LOLcats 5 minutes before your meeting. Consider this a sign from the cosmos: You're going to get fired but it will be adorable and hilarious.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You have your favorite times of the day. Then there are those hours that are less fun. But then again, Grandma's ass won't wipe itself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The side job you think you don't have time for will be the one that you find inspires you the most this week. As a bonus, raping and murdering hookers turns out to take a lot less time than you originally anticipated.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know what you're good at, and you do it over and over today. As a result, your jerk off muscle nearly doubles in size.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are entering an explosively productive and creative period. Expect odd looks from some strangers. Getting people to see menstruation as art will take time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Dissecting someone else's work will be an excellent way to keep you on track with your own. Unfortunately for you someone else's work involves a moose head.