And On the 3rd Day...

Heeeeey everyone. It’s me, Jesus Christ, and these are my balls.

See, the thing about balls...wait, let me rephrase. The thing about my balls is that every now and again, usually when I am at my grandma's house relaxing after a long afternoon of helping coach the local junior high school swim competition, they need to be warmed up just right to help me "prepare" for the next competition. Like I told those cops, I know I am not the one competing. But as long as I am there every day, helping motivate those strong young boys swim even one more lap, with or without their consent, I feel like I already am a winner, you know? Strict discipline and aggressive training is required if you want to be the best. And nothing says discipline and training like warming your balls on the table with your shoes off.

I can't even tell you how many Sunday dinners I've spent warming my balls near the old timey stove my grandma keeps to help pump smoke into the walls. Or more recently during the holidays, I switched it up to a basic 3 candle ball-warming routine, which let me tell you, TOTALLY gets the job done right.

My grandma often asks me, "Jesus, what would you say you are most passionate about? Swim competitions or Drag racing posters?" I take my grandma's delicate hands, similar in feel to that of a small Asian boy and I say sincerely, "Grandma, I think we both know my greatest passion in life is warming my balls". Of course that usually sends us both into a fit of giggles and I have to try desperately to keep my soft brown locks from falling into my eyes because I absolutely LOVE watching her laugh.

Area Man Attempts to Redeem Coupon at Wrong Location, Notices Too Late

By Erika Schmidt

On Tuesday morning, local area man Jacob Smith attempted to redeem a coupon for a free bagel and coffee at the drive thru Dairy Donuts near his home, only to discover the offer was only valid at selected locations.

Smith claims he had the coupon for no more than 3 weeks yet admitted he never closely examined the content.

"My mistake now is obvious," Smith told the local authorities while shaking his head.

Upon arriving at the Dairy Donuts on the corner of Wilshire and Lexington, Smith ordered a small vanilla coffee and onion bagel with extra cream cheese.

"I guess I got a little carried away," Smith claimed in his first public appearance since the incident. "When they suggested I pick a flavor, I did so. I wasn't looking for argument. I simply wanted my free coffee and bagel. "

Smith said after being instructed to drive up to the first window, he searched for the coupon in his wallet. After handing the wrinkled coupon to the cashier, Smith described what happened next.

"The cashier looked it over and then curtly told me the coupon is only valid at the Wilshire and Washington location. I was stunned. The locations were within miles of each other. To make matters worse I remembered instantly I used my last $3 to buy that pack of gum at the store the night before. I realized the last 6 minutes waiting for my coffee and bagel had been a waste, and I was about to leave without either."

When questioned by authorities Smith admits to rarely having used coupons in the past.

"I'd say I've only gone through the process 2, maybe 3 times before, I'm no expert. Truthfully, the whole thing makes me sort of...uncomfortable."

Dairy Donuts refused to comment on this story but did refer us to their website where a copy of the coupon was made available.

"I guess this just isn't the sort of thing you think will happen to you," Smith explains, "I mean you hear it happening to other people, a friend of a friend, but never to you. It just really hit home. It's enough to turn you into a tea drinker for life."

Not weird.

What? It's Sunday evening. What else is there to do?

Puh-lease don't even act like you are too good to play a game of "Put Dough On Your Face While Whiskers Prances In Front Of Your Grandma's Couch". It's a classic.

I'd have just gone with clowns.

Happy Birthday Little-kid-somewhere-out-there-whose-parents-clearly-hate-him-or-her-and-are-passive-aggressively-trying-to-ruin-their-mental-well-being-by-giving-them-this-disturbing-Lil-Wayne-cake.

You grow up so fast!

Dr. Sands...of time?

Cavities, root canals, time travel.

Fat Guy on a rock.

That is all.

Relax, everyone!

Now THIS is an apocalyptic future I can get behind!

Finally.

Technology explained in a way I can understand.


Keep up the good work, 'copter dog!

That's right buddy!

Only a true gentlemen covers up his butt hole during meetings.


Class, style, poise.

Can't beat these amenities!

In the spirit of trying to find a new place to live, I was deeply moved by this photo.



Our recently remodeled units feature:

• Granite countertops
• Extra storage and walk in closets
• Outdoor pools
• Private entrance/driveway
• Moon rocks
  

Wait, what?

Now this is my kind of circus!

What is black and white and rode all over?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night.

I wonder how many bears and/or horses had to die before they got this training right.

Do you think there are any illicit inter-species love affairs going on behind the scenes as there usually are in most circus type atmospheres? I sure hope so. I would pay big bucks for a Borse.

Leave your rubber chickens at home...

Well, I will know one thing for sure. I will never be found shopping here.

Halloween never looked so good.

I think this guy dressed up as a Mexican. I know so little about the culture but what I do know tells me this guy is 100% right on.

OB/GYN OMFG

I've never seen a pelvic exam from the perspective of the doctor, but I imagine it looks something (exactly) like this.

What the Frak?!

So, it's been a little while. I know I should have called. I can explain, really. I swear its not you its me. Can't we be friends?

In related news, there is something large living in my kitchen that I only catch glimpses of before it skitters away. I am assuming (correctly) that what I am actually seeing is the tail end of some lobster knife fights.

See Exhibit A.

Get out your glitter!

Get your spandex on and clear that throat of yours because we are all about to collectively do a falsetto "Thhiiiis iissss raaaaaad" together.

I guess what I enjoy most about this photo, aside from everything, is the randomness in his choices of what to cover up on his body.

I mean, is that packing tape on his arm? What the fruit loop was he trying to achieve?

Uh Oh Luuucy, you in trrrrooouble

I don't know why I feel sure that the next photo in this series shows that guy with his hands on his hips and his head shaking back and forth with a smile on his face. Oh that wacky wife of his! What will she do next?!

I'd like to see an entire sitcom based off this premise. "I Love Ming"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

I accidentally ran this over with my car the other day, but not before taking it out on a date and tickling it while it sat on my lap (per my usual date routine).

Much like the wine, the conversation was a bit dry and it was nearly impossible to avoid asking the one question that was on everyone's mind...do the curtains match the pubes?

Answer: yes?

ChompChompChomp

I feel like this is what Ann Coulter's vagina looks like.

I'm taking a risk here, people.

I include this image not because it is hilarious on it's own, but rather that I saw it on a site next to the caption, "But will he ever poop again?"

Oh white panties guy, I hope you find whatever it is you're lookin' for.

Back to the (sexy) Future

I've been talkin to my good pal S. Dubs lately about what true love really means. Well shit, girl. We spent way too much time talkin' and not enough time traveling into the future to take this snapshot of my wedding day. Well, it's either my wedding day or my brother and I officially lose our shit.

If you can find a happier naked fat couple with matching fat kittehs, then I will buy you a friend or two to take up more of your time and have a serious case of the sads for you.

Extra cheese, mushrooms, and ghost hand.

I showed this picture to my cat earlier and was like, "Duuuude, what the fuck?! Do you see that shit?" and my cat was like, "Maaaan, whatever. That shit is totally fake. Like your face."

I can't really take anything my cat said too seriously. He was 3 beers deep already. We sure had a good laugh though.

Next time, I'll bring the beer and you bring the poodles.

I may have had one hell of a Slip N Slide party recently, complete with fireworks (and ICE) but the one thing I didn't provide my guests were gay poodles. NEXT TIME.

Welcome...

To my dreams.

I don't know about you, but this is kind of how I see all cats when I look at them.

Scientists somewhere on this planet took some time off recently from finding the cure for cancer and got down to some serious business.

Apparently this little guy is an 'artistic rendering' of what over 2,000 combined survey results would classify as the perfect pet. Apparently only those that were high on LSD at the time were questioned.

Perfect pet, eh? Come on now. Unless that catdograbbithorse opens his mouth and money, a Pegasus and Daniel Radcliffe's semen comes out, then I aint buyin'.

Semen?!

Take 2 and call me in the morning.

My gynecologist uses special glasses to see into my ovaries and tell their future.

My uterus got some rave reviews. All in all, it was a pretty perfect exam. Aced it!

Although, it would have been better if my doctor hadn't been giggling the whole way through.

I can't wait to die.

Because when I do, I will get one of these urns and creep the shit out of everyone who cared for me when I was alive.

Return Policy?

While perusing the internet looking for young girls to buy, I found this little harlot trying to rip people off. I wrote her an angry letter:

Dear Jon Benet,
Um, HELLO???? No one is going to want to rape and torture you if you have a giant hole in your face. Get a clue.

Always watching,
Rapey

What's the point of raping a little girl if you can't wear her face afterwards? She better come with replacement parts or I want my $50 back.

Hittin the bottle again.

This bitch is waaaasted!

Safety first.

Always remember to stretch before going into the pool.

Also, is this girl 12 or 35? I can't tell.

Instructions for petting a cat.

Man, I've been doing it wrong.

Aw, thanks man.

This just goes to show you that just about anything looks cool while smoking.

This cat is out on a date and is totally gonna get laid by red nail polish lady.

Now Showing

This cat's ass is playing the series finale of Dallas now through August 1st.

Funny side note: I saw this photo about 3 times before I noticed those were mimes.

I'm losing my mime!

Go out with a bang!

Ladies and gentlemen...

What you  are viewing here is cutting edge science. This is one of the first snapshots that scientists were able to get of my FUTURE.  Future capturing camera has shown us what we have all already assumed...

I will be one hot raccoon-sweater wearing, bong hittin,  boozin grandma.

The best part is, I don't even smoke weed in the present, or past.  I think it's completely retarded. 

However, it would seem future Erika gets retarded.  Progress?

Old School

This really brings me back. 

Back to the days of Gentlemanly cats and my old catch phrase.

I have a problem.

Yea. I google weird stuff sometimes.

Today I tried 'Hot Mother'.

Aside from the many...MANY gross pornographic things I saw, I found this little gemstone:

This adorable little memaw is brought to us by a budding photographer who made her thesis into a project about capturing candid snapshots of the mentally ill, homeless alcoholics, and chronically retarded population of Philadelphia*.

*Not all people from Philadelphia are crazy, drunk, or retarded. Just most.

Okay everyone, on the count of 3. 1...2....

3...

WHAT THE FRUCK?!?!

Your guess is as good as mine.

I am a jerk.

I get a lot of great material sent my way.  I say 'great material' like I am some sort of movie industry person that has scripts and things of that nature stacked upon my desk.    Sigh. No.

What I mean to say is that I have a lot of weird friends that send me dumb internet shit all day long and I made this blog as a way to store it somewhere in time and space.

My brain doesn't want it, is what I am getting at.  But just because it's not good enough for my brain, doesn't mean you can't have it.

What headline?

Do I need one? I mean...seriously.  I love crazy cat-tards (I am one) because we don't even need to explain WHY these photos are funny, they just are.

Keep castin your spells, wizard cat!

E's got legs, and MC² knows how to use them!

What was Albie thinking taking this sexy little picture on the beach? Who was he with? Did they name the drink Sex on the Beach after this photo? I hope so.

Now, the legs...

Do you also have the 'Rachel' haircut?

Oh my god, the internet is so 1996.

You people need to get with it and try this thing.  It's a new, convenient and totally inconspicuous technological device.  It's main features include: adding body weight, telling you the time (of your life!), and giving you a reason to flex when showing the chicks at your place of employment your new gadget.

It's available now for 3 easy payments of $something in the imagined future that never came to be.99

Artistic Expression

I'd like to teach an after school origami class to lower income and disadvantaged children.

However, I'd like to surprise these children with the end result being an origami paper KKK outfit, complete with eye holes.

History lesson too, no?

MLK can RIP in HVN tonight.

If dogs can do it, then why can't we?

You'd be surprised how much I say that phrase.

Teenagers are stupid.

I saw this web site recently where 'history based twitters' (is it tweets?) are posted and my first reaction was, "Oh. They realize kids are so retarded these days the only way to get them to learnify is to communicate in a way they understand". A dumb way.

I got so bummed out about the nature of stupid kids these days that I posted a status update about it on my facebook (via twitter), put up an away message on AIM saying 'SO unavailable', then I wrote this blog about it. Also Myspace, Friendster, and LinkedIn were there.

Laaaaaaaaame.

PS. Remember ICQ?

PPS. Lewis and Clark's relationship status says 'It's Complicated'.  

PPPS. You know I am right.

Date Rape For Kids!

Garfield Minus Garfield is cool, I get it.  

But what most people don't seem to notice is how many of the "comics sans Garfield" make Jon Arbuckle seem like a creepy lady raper.

Was the main ingredient in Garfield's lasagna really just mutilated genitals?

Pfft...As if there's any other kind.

The Internet is hard.

I have absolutely no idea how to take out the garbage in Sweden.

When words just won't do it.

This is how I would draw "love" if I could draw. Or photoshop. Or take photos. Or fly in jetpackchairs.

I like when it climbs.

To answer the question ALL of you will ask when you start watching this... YES, it is real.

I wonder what # 7 is?

Please take note of this very special edition of your MSN homepage.

I guess they were either out of things to write about or someone in the office experienced a very awkward conversation with little Timmy when he asked, "But isn't GramGram coming to dinner?"

Crazy Shit

I collect weird photos. Some of this week's favorites are below.

                  What the fruck? (typo, but I am keeping it)

               Old ad that is still SO true (am I right laaaadies?)

                                         Google is a dick.

                                 Runnerup: Labiaville.

There are some mornings that I wish this actually existed. I am for real lazy.