I Like This Crap

1/28/10

And kick and step and twirl and lunge and kick...

This is the only type of ballet you can expect to find me watching. Pictured here is Micael Barishnocat performing a contemporary rendition of Swan Lake, or as Barishnocat calls it, "Whatever the fuck gets me balls deep in some cat nip."

Swan Meow.

As a renowned ballet dancer, Barishnocat's style of dance has been described as, "elegant to behold, almost like watching yarn move over a blanket with gentle ease. Like a laser moving fluidly over the walls, Barishnocat enchants his audience using the subtle flick of a tail, and extends gracefully over the hands of his partners and on occasion, over the arms of chairs."

Two paws up! Way up!

Magical

Not pictured: The Beast's giant erection.

Letters Home

Shortly after two unidentified beings arrived to Earth via really, really long rope, a transmission was interrupted and deciphered by natives to read the following:

"Earth Dwellers,

Wasssssupppp!!!!!!!!!

I arrived today to your planet via really, really long rope and boy are my arms tired! HA HA! Jk! I am so freakin' excited to be here finally. I can't wait to meet y'all!

As you may have seen, my travel partner (you can call her #29) was resistant at first to my unconventional landing technique but eventually she finally relaxed and started to trust me which lead to a much more pleasurable experience for us both. I hope that new matching shirt and pants combo I got her for the trip might warm her up to trying a few new landing maneuvers later, if you know what I mean. I sure hope you do..............................................................................................................................................................
..................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................(wink.)

Anyway, I hope to meet y'all as soon as I figure out how to navigate around the terrain without the use of these long ropes. Earth is wacky, I sure hope you have pleated khakis here too.

Laters,
Bill"

So many balls, so little time.

Prior to this moment, the thought of participating in organized sports was about as desirable as the thought of living in a world without Spaghetti Cat. (Disorganized sports on the other hand...)

That all changed when my peepers took a gander at the above. I haven't seen that much blatant crotch grabbery since my gay uncle's 4th commitment ceremony!

Sadly, this is about as much action as that guy will ever see in his little Pelé area.

Guuh--oooooaaaaal!

Uncomfortable fun at 0500 hours!

Looks like Sargent Omom (suggested spelling) ran one too many laps around the training field during boot camp this week. And don't be fooled, his (pilot?) friend is not napping delicately upon his chest, but rather leaning in for a stolen sniff of his comrade's new lavender vanilla fabric softener.

Please note the lady to the right who is trying to desperately to lean away from the fuckery next to her without being rude. For all of us familiar with subway etiquette, it takes time and grace to master the "get the fuck away from me" stance while barely moving a muscle.

Respect!

11/25/09

And On the 3rd Day...

Heeeeey everyone. It’s me, Jesus Christ, and these are my balls.

See, the thing about balls...wait, let me rephrase. The thing about my balls is that every now and again, usually when I am at my grandma's house relaxing after a long afternoon of helping coach the local junior high school swim competition, they need to be warmed up just right to help me "prepare" for the next competition. Like I told those cops, I know I am not the one competing. But as long as I am there every day, helping motivate those strong young boys swim even one more lap, with or without their consent, I feel like I already am a winner, you know? Strict discipline and aggressive training is required if you want to be the best. And nothing says discipline and training like warming your balls on the table with your shoes off.

I can't even tell you how many Sunday dinners I've spent warming my balls near the old timey stove my grandma keeps to help pump smoke into the walls. Or more recently during the holidays, I switched it up to a basic 3 candle ball-warming routine, which let me tell you, TOTALLY gets the job done right.

My grandma often asks me, "Jesus, what would you say you are most passionate about? Swim competitions or Drag racing posters?" I take my grandma's delicate hands, similar in feel to that of a small Asian boy and I say sincerely, "Grandma, I think we both know my greatest passion in life is warming my balls". Of course that usually sends us both into a fit of giggles and I have to try desperately to keep my soft brown locks from falling into my eyes because I absolutely LOVE watching her laugh.

11/22/09

Area Man Attempts to Redeem Coupon at Wrong Location, Notices Too Late

By Erika Schmidt

On Tuesday morning, local area man Jacob Smith attempted to redeem a coupon for a free bagel and coffee at the drive thru Dairy Donuts near his home, only to discover the offer was only valid at selected locations.

Smith claims he had the coupon for no more than 3 weeks yet admitted he never closely examined the content.

"My mistake now is obvious," Smith told the local authorities while shaking his head.

Upon arriving at the Dairy Donuts on the corner of Wilshire and Lexington, Smith ordered a small vanilla coffee and onion bagel with extra cream cheese.

"I guess I got a little carried away," Smith claimed in his first public appearance since the incident. "When they suggested I pick a flavor, I did so. I wasn't looking for argument. I simply wanted my free coffee and bagel. "

Smith said after being instructed to drive up to the first window, he searched for the coupon in his wallet. After handing the wrinkled coupon to the cashier, Smith described what happened next.

"The cashier looked it over and then curtly told me the coupon is only valid at the Wilshire and Washington location. I was stunned. The locations were within miles of each other. To make matters worse I remembered instantly I used my last $3 to buy that pack of gum at the store the night before. I realized the last 6 minutes waiting for my coffee and bagel had been a waste, and I was about to leave without either."

When questioned by authorities Smith admits to rarely having used coupons in the past.

"I'd say I've only gone through the process 2, maybe 3 times before, I'm no expert. Truthfully, the whole thing makes me sort of...uncomfortable."

Dairy Donuts refused to comment on this story but did refer us to their website where a copy of the coupon was made available.

"I guess this just isn't the sort of thing you think will happen to you," Smith explains, "I mean you hear it happening to other people, a friend of a friend, but never to you. It just really hit home. It's enough to turn you into a tea drinker for life."

11/8/09

Not weird.

What? It's Sunday evening. What else is there to do?

Puh-lease don't even act like you are too good to play a game of "Put Dough On Your Face While Whiskers Prances In Front Of Your Grandma's Couch". It's a classic.

I'd have just gone with clowns.

Happy Birthday Little-kid-somewhere-out-there-whose-parents-clearly-hate-him-or-her-and-are-passive-aggressively-trying-to-ruin-their-mental-well-being-by-giving-them-this-disturbing-Lil-Wayne-cake.

You grow up so fast!