WHOA.

In any event, this is seriously the best Vin Diesel has ever looked.

SYYYYKE

Q: Which one is the real skank?
A: Trick question! They both are.

This hot fuckery mess of a couple is my (not so secret) guilty pleasure. I don't know what to say about them, really. Aside from Doug Hutchinson's perpetual child-raper eyes, his 17 year old wife makes me sad on the inside because of her "trashy old lady meets Toddlers with Tiaras" look. In spite of this I can't stop myself from reading every article ever written about these two trainwreck a-holes.

We can all agree that this is going no where good, I can tell you that much. The real fun is guessing how it will all end: divorce, drug overdose, adopting a Korean baby and naming it Hepatitis B, or all of the above?

Pegacorn Dream

I had this dream last night. I was in the house I grew up in. It was dark outside. In the backyard, there was a horse. (This is not normal.) There was something strange about this horse. It had a long flowing mane that fell to both its flanks... no... they were wings! It was a Pegasus!

It moved away every time it caught sight of me. But I caught a glimpse of... could it be? It was also a unicorn! It was a Pegacorn! Unisus! Pegacorn!

I ran to grab a camera and started taking pictures, as it kept dashing here and there. I struggled for good framing and composition as there were only a few shots left (my father still uses film cameras, you see). It tried to climb up a ladder to the roof, but alas it did not know that Pegacorns unisi Pegacorns can't climb ladders. Instead, it destroyed half the house (on account of it being so heavy on its diet of space dust).I kept snapping as it ran away. I got lots of pictures of its ass.

Take some lessons, ladies.

Hey witch! You're doing it wrong.

Sweet Dreams!

He's single, ladies!

It Aint Over Until the Fat Lady something something

Hey, so, I know I haven't been around much.

I stopped updating my blog because...sigh. I don't want to lie to you. I stopped updating my blog because I was kidnapped by legal aliens and taken to Wisconsin to learn the ancient rituals of cheese worship. I know you can understand.

My February's Eve Resolution is to start updating this worthless crapfest regularly again.

So with THAT being said, let me go ahead and show you this:

This is my wedding photo. I will give you 500 million drachma if you can guess which one is me.

HINT: sexy denims

Oooh Yes.

Perhaps this is how angels actually fall from heaven? 

Yes.

In case you didn't already have enough to be afraid of, I am sharing my most favorite photo of recent days.

Oh and hello, how are you, how have you been? Sorry I didn't call sooner. I've been busy for the past 4 months. You know how it is.

Anywhofuckingcaresway, enjoy.

Magic vs Science

Who would win?

OH MY GOD MY HEART JUST EXPLODED

I named him Lazarus and I will ride him while combing his mustache for always.*

*that's what she said

SWIMMY!

Oh god, this cat.

I want to drink beers and BBQ with this cat. I want to spray-paint the side of an elementary school with this cat. I want to get matching sweatshirts that say "Super Donkey Jockey" with this cat. I want to go to a bar in the middle of nowhere and get into an arm wrestling competition with this cat. Etc., etc.

You're my hero, Swimmy.

I hate when this happens.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to take a photo of your neighborhood and a fucking seagull crashes the photo?

Click the bird to enjoy.

Dumpster Cat

I think my cat assumes I am going to lose my job soon and no longer be able to afford to eat because every single night for the last week she is getting inside the kitchen garbage can and removing whatever disgusting half-eaten microwavable spinster meal I attempted to throw out the night before.

I woke up this morning and found the recently discarded two-week old spaghetti noodles were now conveniently located in and around her food bowl. All the garlic cloves that are normally on the kitchen window sill were scattered about my house like Easter eggs. I'd like to think this is her way of saying she will cook me a-spicy a-meatball-a Italian dinner for two, but only if I find all the missing ingredients.

The other new fascination my lil' dumpster kitty has of late is with leftover pizza boxes and believing that they are not garbage but are in fact a room at a 5 star hotel. She used the most recently discarded box as a bed for a full week and when I eventually distracted her long enough to throw it away, she knocked the trash can over while I slept and rescued it. I had to lure her into the bedroom to lock her in  while I snuck out of the house to throw it away.  As I always (never) say, deception and unconditional love go hand in hand.    Or was it Decepticon?

Her final trick for the week was getting the bread I store above the fridge onto the floor and after chewing a hole through the plastic, eating almost half of it.  Doesn't she worry about what all those carbs will do to her thighs?

Happy Saint Patrick's BLAH BLAH BLAH

If you're going to go out tonight and get wasted on shitty green beer, at least dress for success. This guy knows what's up.    Keep it classy up there in heaven, grandpa!

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Spider says, "Have a great fucking Christmas, everybody!"

He is wasted. I love him so much.

Follow him on twitter.