I Like This Crap

WHOA.

2011-10-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

This movie franchise has a special place in my heart for 1) being so stupid and 2) having done some work on a promotion for the most recent film.

In any event, this is seriously the best Vin Diesel has ever looked.

SYYYYKE

2011-10-31T15:19:00.001-07:00

Q: Which one is the real skank?
A: Trick question! They both are.

This hot fuckery mess of a couple is my (not so secret) guilty pleasure. I don't know what to say about them, really. Aside from Doug Hutchinson's perpetual child-raper eyes, his 17 year old wife makes me sad on the inside because of her creepy trashy old lady looks. In spite of this I still can't stop myself from reading every article ever written about these trainwreck a-holes.

This is going no where good, I can tell you that much. I guess the real mystery is will it end with: divorce, drug overdose, adopting a Korean baby and naming it Frederick (a la Frederick's of Hollywood or as Courtney Stodden refers to it "my church clothes"), or all of the above?

Pegacorn Dream

2011-04-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

I had this dream last night. I was in the house I grew up in. It was dark outside. In the backyard, there was a horse. (This is not normal.) There was something strange about this horse. It had a long flowing mane that fell to both its flanks... no... they were wings! It was a Pegasus!

It moved away every time it caught sight of me. But I caught a glimpse of... could it be? It was also a unicorn! It was a ~~Pegacorn!~~ ~~Unisus!~~ Pegacorn!

I ran to grab a camera and started taking pictures, as it kept dashing here and there. I struggled for good framing and composition as there were only a few shots left (my father still uses film cameras, you see). It tried to climb up a ladder to the roof, but alas it did not know that ~~Pegacorns~~ ~~unisi~~ Pegacorns can't climb ladders. Instead, it destroyed half the house (on account of it being so heavy on its diet of space dust).I kept snapping as it ran away. I got lots of pictures of its ass.

No, look closer.

2011-03-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

It might only take a minute to find, but it will take a lifetime to forget.

Hint: check the roof.

Take some lessons, ladies.

2011-02-19T02:45:00.001-08:00

Hey witch! You're doing it wrong.

I see a resemblance...

2011-02-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else see a Mr. Potato Head when they look at this mugshot of O.J. or is it just me?

Anyway, sweet dreams!

It Aint Over Until the Fat Lady something something

2011-02-16T21:20:00.001-08:00

Hey, so, I know I haven't been around much.

I stopped updating my blog because...sigh. I don't want to lie to you. I stopped updating my blog because I was kidnapped by legal aliens and taken to Wisconsin to learn the ancient rituals of cheese worship. I know you can understand.

My February's Eve Resolution is to start updating this worthless crapfest regularly again.

So with THAT being said, let me go ahead and show you this:

This is my wedding photo. I will give you 500 million drachma if you can guess which one is me.

HINT: sexy denims

Oooh Yes.

2010-09-02T21:31:00.001-07:00

Perhaps this is how angels actually fall from heaven? A girl can only wonder. By the way, I was there (and topless).

Yes.

2010-08-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't already have enough to be afraid of, I am sharing my most favorite photo of recent days.

Oh and hello, how are you, how have you been? Sorry I didn't call sooner. I've been busy for the past 4 months. You know how it is.

Anywhofuckingcaresway, enjoy.

2010-04-07T13:11:00.001-07:00

NAMBLA Members
Circle I Limbo

Republicans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Hipsters, Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

General asshats
Circle IV Rolling Weights

dairy
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Scientologists
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

cat haters
Circle VII Burning Sands

Osama bin Laden
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

DMV Employees
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Magic vs Science

2010-03-26T12:26:00.001-07:00

Who would win?

OH MY GOD MY HEART JUST EXPLODED

2010-03-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

I named him Lazarus and I will ride him while combing his mustache for always.*

*that's what she said

BF4EVS*

2010-03-17T16:44:00.001-07:00

I want to drink beers and BBQ with this cat. I want to spray paint the side of an elementary school with this cat. I want to get matching sweatshirts that say "Super Donkey Jockey" with this cat. I want to go to a bar in the middle of nowhere and get into an arm wrestling competition with this cat. Etc., etc.

You're my hero, Swimmy.

*Is the title a license plate # or cool slang?

I hate when this happens.

2010-03-17T16:24:00.001-07:00

Don't you hate it when you're trying to take a photo of your neighborhood and a fucking seagull crashes the photo?

Click the bird to enjoy.

Dumpster Cat

2010-03-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

I think my cat assumes we are going to go poor soon and no longer be able to afford food because every single night she gets inside the kitchen garbage can and removes whatever I have attempted to throw out.

I woke up this morning and found the leftover spaghetti noodles that I chucked out after dinner were now conveniently located in her food bowl (on top of her food nuggets), as well as all over the goddamn house. All the garlic cloves that are normally on the kitchen window sill were also scattered about my house like Easter eggs. I think this is her way of saying she will cook me dinner, but only if I find all the missing ingredients. Fun.

The best part about my dumpster kitty is her fascination with a leftover pizza box from last week. She used it as a bed for 4 nights in a row and when I eventually threw it away, she knocked the trash can over and rescued it. I had to distract her with balled up paper while I snuck out of the house to throw it away.

This week she also managed to get the bread I had above the fridge onto the floor and after chewing a hole through the plastic, ate almost half of it. What the hell? She acts like I starve her.

Fucking cat.

Happy Saint Patrick's BLAH BLAH BLAH

2010-03-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

If you're going to go out tonight and get wasted on shitty green beer, at least dress like someone who isn't a total retard. This guy knows what's up.

Keep it classy up there in heaven, grandpa!

Happy Holidays!

2010-03-12T15:38:00.001-08:00

Christmas Spider says, "Have a great fucking Christmas, everybody!"

He is wasted. I love him so much.

Follow him on twitter.

It's Butterflies and Seagulls Friday!

2010-03-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

Okay seriously, the Russian singer has some competition and it's in the form of Mark Gormley.

This beautiful hunk of a singer has found the trifecta of ingredients to make a perfect video: Butterflies, Seagulls, and mustache. DONE. I'll take ten.

Please watch him and love him forever. I want my very own pet Mark Gormley.

My Goddamn Cat

2010-03-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

Here is a shocker. I own a cat. (see above)

My cat whose legal name is Violet but can also be referred to as Kittymuffins, Kitty Mitty, Princess Kittyface, Lil KittyMitty McMuffins, and fucker, is a complete and total bitch. Period.

I get home every night from work at around the same time, partially because I have to get to my neighborhood by 7 PM if I plan to find legal parking but also because I know if I am not home by a certain time to feed that furry whore, she will use her claws to scratch "Die Bitch" into my hardwood floors.

In typical cat fashion, she likes to toy with my heart. She is all cutesy meowface for the first 60 seconds I am home. Snuggle, purr, mew, repeat. That is of course until I get within a 3 foot radius of her food bowl, then she begins clawing her way out of my grip with the intensity of a jaguar. I drop her stupid little body onto the kitchen floor so I can use my free hands to scoop her overpriced fish shaped food chunks into the metal bowl. Then, I wait for the face...

This is the face that she always gives me before she eats to let me know how disappointed she is in my ability to provide for her. She walks up the bowl, sniffs, then turns around and looks up at me like, "This is the best you can do?" I can almost feel her sighing with defeat as she turns back around and begins to nibble on the apparently sub par food choice.

As much as I know it's not my fault and she is just a stuck up bitch, I can't help but feel a little guilty each night as I leave the kitchen.

Goddamn cat!

Guilty as charged.

2010-03-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I approach the reality of my unshaven legs like that of an ostrich with their head in the sand. I think that just because I don't really notice my own leg hair, no one else will. This includes the days I wear mini skirts. I. live. on. the. fucking. edge.

That is of course until I step into the sunlight, look down and instantly become mortified. Luckily not having a boyfriend means the only people this leg hair affects is any new potential boyfriends and let's face it, fuck those jerks.

Anyway, shaving can suck it.

Time to get your 'scopes on

2010-03-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Today's birthday (March 9): This month, something amazing happens: You communicate the things that bother you, and loved ones change their behavior. This is accomplished in part by writing these requests in a letter scribbled with your own blood and stapling it to their dog.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You'll feel powerful when you make something new. You'll feel even more powerful when you blow it the fuck up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Make time for love, and love will stretch that time in wonderful ways. Just to be sure to bring an extra pair of pants.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): There's a lot that has to happen before you can put your thoughts into action. You need money, time and a good body double. Take your time with this. You really can't afford to go back to jail.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You control how quickly you move up in the world by monitoring what you do. You just wish this escalator would move faster.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): However much you're moving your body, turn it up. You need to be strong mentally and physically for challenges ahead. Not everyone has to lead a marketing meeting while running in place, so be prepared.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A prideful person you know may be making a mistake. Others want to tear this person down. You, however, build a shrine declaring their mistakes instead.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There is logic behind your decision to stay away from a certain person. Stand by it. That person most definitely ate a greasy burrito for lunch.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Remember not to expect others to have the same goals and standards. Your desire to eat that many hot dogs in one sitting truly is what makes you unique.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's unlikely that you'll fall into a groove over the next few days, but that's a good thing because that groove is about 200 feet deep and completely full of snakes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The thing you used to enjoy so much is now becoming slightly tedious. This is just a signal that it is time to modify your schedule. If you come home later you'll be able to avoid your wife altogether.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You deserve to get on track now. Set a deadline and tell people about it. Include it in the next memo to your coworkers entitled "10 Days to Stop Wasting Copy Paper or Else".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): An event is too important to deal with casually. Make specific plans. You'll pull off something grand. Wearing a top hat never hurts either.

Thank you, interwebs.

2010-03-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

Unless you live under a rock (or don't spend 70 hours a week on the interwebs like I do) you've probably seen this guy already. I don't give a shit about you though. This is about ME.

Everything about this guy's facial expressions is what I want to be when I grow up. I want to enter work everyday singing like this and making those faces. I want to interrupt board meetings by standing up and belting this at the top of my lungs.

You get the point. Listen!

My So Called Asshole

2010-03-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

Jared Leto needs to take a quick minute to remove his head from his butthole. Whereas he used to be a stud, now he just has tiny pants with thrillions of studs on them. Thrillions, for the record, is a word.

He used to burn my panties up when he played Jordan Catalano back in the day, now he just makes me want to sew up my own vagina and stab my eyes with one of those little swords you get in fancy tropical drinks.

As a side note, JLeto is also super short in real life which makes me even more bummed. This little elf needs to take it down a notch or seven with the douchery.

Got any weekend plans?

2010-03-05T11:17:00.001-08:00

Hey Boners.

Anyone doing anything fun this weekend? If you're not sure how to waste your time, I have a few suggestions.

1. Spend time with your significant other...or sibling.

2. Wear some things you normally play with.

3. Just be plain awesome (in the office after everyone goes home for the night).

WORST. JOB. EVER.

2010-03-05T10:58:00.001-08:00

Skillz, he has 'em.

2010-03-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

You think you're having a bad day? This girl just paid $20 to have her picture drawn by an asshole.

Pretty good Jabba, though.

Anyone who has ever had a job, ever, gets this.

2010-03-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

Raptus regaliter

2010-03-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

Because I can't even write this stuff.

2010-03-03T14:41:00.001-08:00

What’s one of your nicknames?
RuneDaddy, WhipCracka, Whippy, Frank

What do you prefer to be called?
Doesn’t matter to me if you refer to me by my first name or one of my nicknames.

What’s one of the first things that come to mind when you hear the word “fun”?
Cracking whips. I have several bullwhips, cow whips, a snake whip and an Australian stockwhip.

What magazines do you subscribe to, and how many of those do you actually read or look through?
Online mags would include Whips Monthly, Tom’s Hardware and Cosmo.

What’s your favorite beverage?
Non-alcoholic: Dr Pepper

Do you have a collection?
Yes (see above)

If so, what do you collect and why?
My whip collection (for whip cracking)

If you could be any cartoon character, which one would you be?
Bugs Bunny. He’s got everything, brains, looks, travels above and under ground. And a wit as sharp as a kitten’s claws.

Favorite type of music/band?
Ministry, Skinny Puppy, Linkin Park, the sound of a whip crackin', etc.

One place you’ve been you’d recommend everyone go once in their lifetime.
Middle Earth

Favorite birthday dessert/cake?
Angel food cake with white frosting and strawberries.

What do you enjoy doing the most?
Spending time with my wife and daughter at Disneyland watching our pet hawk, Lazareth, attack giant mice for sport.

Creepy Animal Lurkers Part One

2010-03-03T11:55:00.000-08:00

FACT: Babies are drunks.

2010-03-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

When it comes to babies and their booze, no one knows better than I do that these fat little cherubs sure can knock them back. I know this because I run a baby rehab center... in my brain.

It's a known fact that babies are highly susceptible to magazine ads from the 70s. They're also suckers for a good sale at Sears but that is another bLAAAAAAHg.

Moms, keep a close eye on your babies and make sure that while they're laying there doing fucking NOTHING all day, they don't sneak a way and starting reading old magazines.

See exhibit A and B.

Three great reasons the 70s was a better place for gays and pedophiles.

2010-03-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Please take a moment to check out these very creepy and very real ads from the 70s. It seems like 'being sexy' was a theme for that entire decade.

1. An ad for Sauna Hot Pants. A product that in future reference will be known as PLEASE GET ME THESE NOW.

2. Sexy socks for uncomfortable gays. I don't mean to offend, but if you can explain to me how this ad would appeal to straight men, I'll let you sock me right in the gayface.

3. My personal favorite. Not just because I like teddy bears, but mostly because I REALLY like raping pretty little woman girls.

Using my angry dad voice in 3...2...1

2010-03-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a great weekend drinking, driving, and sleeping with ugly people.

Personally, I am proud of your behavior. However, I think someone might feel otherwise.

Don't forget it.

AND on the 7th Day

2010-02-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

Although it IS the day of rest, I shant leave you empty handed. I found Jesus...on twitter!

JEEEEEEEZUS <----- click meh

Enjoy.

Saturday Faturday

2010-02-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

Today's birthday (Feb. 27): Instead of trying to force preconceived notions onto the world, try forcing preconceived babies into the world.

Aries (March 21-April 19): People snap to attention when you enter the room, not because they fear you but because they're strapped to a contraption that forces them to do so.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When you have less on your plate, you'll have more self-control.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): With all the recent good luck coming your way, you're starting to feel like a real winner. That denim jacket you're wearing, however, suggests otherwise.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Something is growing and changing right under your nose. Some say it's a newfound view you have of yourself. Others just call it a mustache.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The stars seem to be aligning in your favor lately. Do the universe some good by giving back to the cosmos. Make all checks payable to me, and I'll totally make sure the stars get it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The strength in the confidence of your work is only outweighed by the strength of your delusional perception of your own abilities.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The evidence is in, and you will be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt: You are NOT the father.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a task you think of every day. You'll feel a great wave of relief if you just remove it from your to-do list for good. What I am getting at is just kill your wife already.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A persistent problem remains. Care less about the outcome, and just observe whether or not the rash appears to be spreading.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You'll have the ear of those who will benefit from listening to another point of view. You might want to think about giving it back sometime though.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Watch and understand the ties between people. Also watch where they keep their spare house key and what times of day they are usually not home. I'll explain more later.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Who says you have to be pushy to get things done? Switch it up a bit and see how being a condescending asshole works out instead.

Friday Means Jesus With a GUN

2010-02-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

Today's birthday (Feb. 26): You are a beloved leader, dear Pisces. You encourage others to strive for their full potential. Your ideas and lectures will inspire people to start seeing their world in a new, interesting way. Unfortunately, after about 35 years of this inspiration people will get bored and decide to stick you on a cross. Maybe you should rethink your career.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Today you will realize that all it truly takes to be happy is finding acceptance from within. That and a bitchin' scooter and a billion million dollars.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made. Remember Taurus, things are not always as delicious as they seem.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Tonight, you'll enjoy a challenge that could only happen in today's technological world. Think TRON but slightly less gay.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): When things don't work one way, change your approach and try again. Hint: Try the back door before 7 AM, she will probably still be sleeping and you will catch her totally off guard.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Why toil away when you can delegate? Why do today what you can tomorrow? Good idea. I think I'll write this horoscope later.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're an inventor. You are creating something special. However, it will take others a little time before they see that taping pens to your fingers really saves time. Be patient.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Being sensitive is at once a blessing and a curse. But do us all a favor, Libra. Leave your shitty fucking attitude at home or you're fired.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The usual methods won't work today. Try doing things backward, upside down and any way other than the normal way. Yes, I do mean this sexually.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You'll be competing. Keep in mind that to be noticed, you will have to greatly surpass what the others are doing. Try lighting yourself on fire.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you feel it, do it. Don't hesitate, or you'll end up shitting your pants in the car.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Uncomfortable scenarios must play out for you to get the lesson. Unfortunately the lesson for today will be "What your parents look like naked".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a way of bridging the gaps between people. I mean like literally. You're a fantastic bridge builder.

Thursday Sandwiches - Happy Birthday Carrot Top!

2010-02-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today's birthday (Feb. 25): You will experience a rush of emotion today as your friends and neighbors gather to celebrate you and your life. Unfortunately, as it will be your funeral, you won't get to enjoy it.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Children can spot a phony from a mile away. So you'll have to spring for a better quality wig and mustache if your kidnap plan is to be a success.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You enjoy being on a winning team and will do more than your share to achieve a victory. Although most people would agree that rigging the Special Olympics is seriously fucked up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your sense of whimsy often goes underappreciated. Go where your brand of creativity will be celebrated. Try the local sanitarium.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As any dinosaur would attest, adaptability is the talent of survivors. Also, small arms totally suck.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You hate to complain. But you're pretty certain you didn't order Shit Soup with a side of Turd Salad.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By acting in moderation, you'll be able to savor pleasures without ruining your chances for delights. You'll appreciate this statement right after you finish that chocolate cake, bottle of whiskey, and smoke a pack of cigarettes all in one sitting.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There are those who trust you and give you great responsibilities and impossible duties. And then there are those that realize giving an idiot like you a shotgun is probably a bad idea.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a circle you wouldn't mind being a part of. This crowd is intimidating, yet you feel that you belong there. Plus how hard is it to join the Mafia anyhow?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Would you rather win in a minor league game or lose in a major league game? Today is a great day to waste time pondering things that will never, ever, happen.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves. Except when you're being a real jerk. Then you win.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If at first you don't succeed, try, try, to stop hanging around outside his house with binoculars. He just isn't that into you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You're not trying to make fun of anyone, but Canadians just sort of make it impossible not to.

Horoscopes II: Revenge of the 'Scope

2010-02-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Today's Birthday: You'll love the constant attention you get today as you seem to radiate confidence. That confidence, however, will turn out to be just plain radiation.

Aries (March 21-April 19): It is very easy to say yes you'll learn today, so have fun with those 40 pairs of acid washed jeans you got suckered into buying from your weird neighbor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Getting the answer isn't as important as wondering about the question. You'll ponder how true this really is when"Where were you at 10 PM on March 30th?" is continually asked by the prosecuting lawyer.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You treasure your friends. However, the sudden visual of buried treasure friends will seem much more appealing today.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As a naturally inquisitive sign, you'll spend time today learning the kind of knowledge you can't get in the library. You can, however, get this knowledge from the STD brochure you've been meaning to read.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Nothing worth doing can be accomplished without passion and that fire burning inside you. You just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You'll be dealing with many types of belief systems within the workplace today. It would be wise not to take sides. They all deserve to be made judged and made fun of equally.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Children sometimes make the mistake of offering a defense before they are accused. This may not do them much good in the playground but they certainly make excellent lawyers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Your strong suit today will be the organization of your professional life. It will also be what blocks those bullets and prevents you from ever catching on fire in style.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Talk to the person in charge. If you sense that someone doesn't have a handle on things, don't hesitate to go to the next person. Do whatever you need to do to finally get the question of "Who let the dogs out?" answered.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's a good time for going out. It really doesn't matter where you go or with whom as you'll be the main attraction. Try not to get too cocky, Capricorn, as having no face tends to get this type of reaction.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You're too cool to beg, plead, complain or explain. Not like you need anyone to tell you that. Your mom does a pretty good job on her own.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You realize that most people are thinking of themselves. This works in your favor though because honestly, no one wants to picture you naked anyhow.

Horoscopez I

2010-02-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

Today's Birthday: A horse is a horse, of course, of course. That is unless, of course, it's not.

Aries (March 21-April 19): As much as you would like to take a leap of faith, daring Aries, the combination of heavy pants and your irrational fear of cliche's makes this nearly impossible.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): As a bull-headed Taurus, you have your own way of dealing with things. However, using your aunt's favorite monogrammed wash cloth as toilet paper is probably the wrong way to go about addressing your resentment over receiving a frozen pizza for Christmas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your willingness to be patient and support your loved one's new aspiration of becoming an Extreme BMX racer has brought you closer together. Embrace this heightened state of closeness, for it will prove invaluable as a memory once you move on and decide to date someone slightly less stupid.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As a Cancer, you are usually prepared for the unexpected. However, at the beginning of the week, not even you will see that Metro Bus coming.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Passion fuels action. Beans fuel fartion. Learn it, love it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A special person in your life may flake out on you this week. Try not to take this singular incidence too seriously. The reality is that most people in your life hate you, but this person was the only one that had the balls to do something about it. Consider it progress.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Your job will take a turn for the peculiar when that PowerPoint presentation you spent hours on is suddenly inundated with pictures of LOLcats 5 minutes before your meeting. Consider this a sign from the cosmos: You're going to get fired but it will be adorable and hilarious.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You have your favorite times of the day. Then there are those hours that are less fun. But then again, Grandma's ass won't wipe itself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The side job you think you don't have time for will be the one that you find inspires you the most this week. As a bonus, raping and murdering hookers turns out to take a lot less time than you originally anticipated.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know what you're good at, and you do it over and over today. As a result, your jerk off muscle nearly doubles in size.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are entering an explosively productive and creative period. Expect odd looks from some strangers. Getting people to see menstruation as art will take time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Dissecting someone else's work will be an excellent way to keep you on track with your own. Unfortunately for you someone else's work involves a moose head.

New Theme: Horoscope Week!

2010-02-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

This week all you astrology loving weirdos will get a taste of your future via my daily horoscopes.

Enjoy, losers!

My vanity reigns supreme!

2010-02-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Hello flapjacks. Not only is today NATIONAL PANCAKES DAY but it is also the day I succumb once and for all to my need for validation via the interweb.

I have been a vegetarian for almost 4 years and it hasn't brought me ANY notoriety. I am pissed.

However, now I have a chance to make my dreams come true. I submitted my nerdiest self portrait in an attempt to note only prove that nerdiness is better, but also (more importantly) to win a trip to Hawaii for two. That works out because that way both me and my huge ego can go.

I know you don't know me, but I am giving out free handjobs for all those that submit a vote. TRUTH.

Vote here.

Insert Weiner

2010-02-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

Friends with weed, friends with benefits - 35 (valencia)

Date: 2010-02-17, 5:32PM PST

Single white grandma, live alone in the valencia area, good career, good education, safe and sane, laid back, clean & disease free, smart, fun and good kisser.
seriously looking for a fairly regular friend to hang out with, smoke some 420, watch a movie, have fun in bed, go out to dinner with, go see a museum exhibition with, etc., but without the heaviness of labels
Emphasis though is primarily on getting high and sexed up.
So if this is your thing, I am pretty good company, and having a regular friend with benefits is so much safer, better, cooler than looking all the time for someone to hook up with.

Crispy or Original

2010-02-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

KFC - m4m (East Palmdale)

Date: 2010-02-04, 10:12AM PST

I'm looking for a guy that is black who had a red sweater type shirt and I believe blue jeans also you were bald with I believe was one ear piercing. I saw you at KFC yesterday and you were talking to some lady in there while your order was being prepared. If you're interested hit me up

Romance isn't dead, it's in the gutter.

2010-02-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

You lugied in my sewer hole - m4w

Date: 2010-02-04, 1:12AM PS

I was working in the manhole on Sunset & Curson last Friday around noon. I guess you didnt notice my little orange cones and barrier tape because there you were as I was climbing out. The noise my compressor was making made your shouting sound like a Gerbal trying to scratch it's way out of a dead homo's ass. I just kept my sweating hands clenched tight onto my poly-carbonate ladder, my mouth at the same level as your freshly shaved love puff. It kept trying to pull my mouth to it. Like sideways gravity. I adored your stylish florescent green faux patent leather mini skirt that came all the way up to your fur line (if there had been fur, that is) . My nipple's stiffened as I caught a glimpse of the silhouette of your clitoris bar bell piercing. I invisioned your barbell drenched in my fresh jizz-oleo, standing proud and true against the American horizon. As I looked up at you I was greeted with the sight of the bottom of your melon ta ta's in a see through chromed halter top. I fantasized about my hot floppy skiing down between your fat banana tittied slopes, my tongue lapping you up greedily all the way down to your Chocolate starfish where I would mercilessly pound down on your squiggly brown round. Our time was cut short by the big green "walk" sign on that pole. You spun around on those sparkly red fuck me pumps, like the ones Dorothy clicked in "the Wizard of Oz". As I watched you walk away you turned to take that final one last long look. Tears welled in my eyes, I thru up my hands screaming "Goodbye my love!". You blew me a kiss.... then hocked a massive green phlegm wad and lugied into my sewer hole. I watched in slow motion as it descended into the pitch black void...down....down. Then...impact. At that very moment, my compressor ran out of gas and for a moment it was silent, like the earth had froze. The silence reduced to the ever present ambient ringing one hears when there's nothing to hear. And...you were gone. Eventually, life returned to normal. I grabbed my gas can and headed for the petro-dollar squirting nozzles of the entrenched power base as sewer rats swarmed your mucous laden saliva that was way down low, back in my sewer hole.

Baby Rapey

2010-02-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

Pull-ups, 3-4T (Narnia)

Date: 2010-02-08, 3:51PM PST

I have an opened package of girls pull-ups. I was curious.

There are about 20 in the package, size 3-4. (32-40lbs.)

If you want 'em, come and get 'em. The girl usin' em is down in the dungeon with the others.

Please call me at 626-XXX-5995. I can use all the good vibes I can get, so, I figured I'd send some good stuff someone else's way.

Run, Don't Walk

2010-02-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

Free Adult Diapers - 3 packs (Northridge)

Date: 2010-02-09, 9:25PM PST

Three packs of unopened diapers for a man size large/xlarge. Please only contact if you are ready to come and pick these up. Will give to the first person that shows up.

Sort of.

2010-02-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

Nordic Track ski machine. . . sortof (Brentwood)

Date: 2010-02-10, 11:41AM PST

This Nordic Track cross country ski simulator is in good condition but the arm pulleys have stopped working. They look reasonably easy to repair, perhaps using a Marine store's equipment, but for now, they don't. This means that you would use the foot part and either no hand weights (so it would be like a high-quality, private walking exercise) or hand weights (which is what I use). The option of using hand weights is great because you can adjust the angles of pull to get a more complete work out.

I just want it to have a good home.

If you can take it, please email me.

Gandumbledorf?!

2010-02-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

More than 20 Wizard Magazines. (Koreatown Vermont & Beverly)

Date: 2010-02-08, 4:31PM PST

I have about 2 dozen Wizard Magazines from the past couple of years.

I'm moving to a different perch on the side of a mountain and don't have room for them.

Come and pick them up or they're being thrown out on Wednesday.

MMMMM

2010-02-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

PRETTY YOUNG WF AT AMSCOT(192) IN KISSIMMEE - m4w - 28 (KISSIMMEE)

Date: 2010-02-07, 8:04PM EST

YOU BEAUTIFUL YOUNG TENDERONI, AT THE AMSCOT ON 192 IN KISSIMMEE NEXT TO OSCEOLA MALL. I'VE BEEN IN THERE A COUPLE TIMES AND YOU CASHED MY CHECK. I SHOULD HAVE SLIPPED YOU MY # THEN, NOW I HAVE TO WAIT TIL NEXT PAYDAY. BUT I WANT YOU, EVEN IF YOUR TAKEN.

I'll FROLF you all night long.

2010-02-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

Frisbeetarians - w4m - 26 (Lakewood)

Date: 2010-02-01, 5:05PM PST

To the Frisbeetarians cruisin' down Los Coyotes last night: My gf and I were driving behind you, liked your bumperstick and wanted to know if you wanna kick it sometime.

Tell me which cartoon character is on your back window to prevent identity theft.

Seriously though guys.

2010-02-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

I need a DEEP deep tissue massage - m4m

Date: 2010-02-06, 9:13AM PST

I've been looking for a masseur that give a really good deep tissue massage. I've been to a couple guys and they couldn't go as deep as I need it. I'm looking for something legitimate, so just a massage, no extras. Please provide me your rate, contact information, cock size and any details about your massage. I can cum to you. Seriously though, legit inquiries only. Professional masseurs only.

I don't think so, Tim!

2010-02-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

Sub looking for HAIRY MIDDLE EASTERN - persian, armenian, arab, handyman (sfv)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:39PM PST

Twenty seven, five eleven, one fifty, clean and discrete

Looking for a masculine middle eastern to servive, maybe on a regular basis. I can host or travel, or even do car scene

aggressive, hairy, dom, verbal, ws, persian, armenian, arab, dad, married, handyman

Wanted: Vests and a Firm Handshake

2010-02-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Anybody up for some hot making out ?????? - 22 (LA/Valleys)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:48PM PST

Hey dudes,

Is anybody up for some hot making out tonight? I have a real weakness for some full lips. like mine. LOL. I also get into a bunch of other things, but I want to start slow with some passionate french kissing. See where things go. Maybe some oral, j/o.

LOOKING FOR A NO PRESSURE THING. JUST HANG FOR A BIT AND EXPLORE EACH OTHER.

I'M a 22 year old college student and I'm about 5'10. I play some basketball and love to go rock climbing. I have a lean body (about 155 lbs or so). Boyish face w/ full lips.
MY MOM IS MEXICAN AND MY DAD IS FROM AUSTRIA. SO I GUESS I'VE GOT KINDA OF A INTERNATIONAL LOOK.

GET BACK AT ME WITH A FACE PIC AND SOME STATS, IF YOU ARE THAT HOT KISSER I'M LOOKING FOR.

ADIOS

Not Weird.

2010-02-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

BENEFACTOR NEEDS MUSE & PAJAMA PARTNER- 47 (Westside)

Date: 2010-02-08, 7:18PM PST

Businessman, attractive, insightful, and not weird, seeks pretty, fun, woman, 18-32, to enjoy, encourage, subsidize, and spoil in my limited free hours. Mutual liking and chemistry a must.

Theme Week!

2010-02-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

My theme will now be: Craigslist is Weird.

Just in time for Valentine's Day. You too can find weird love online!

The Case of the Mysterious Butlock

2010-02-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

If you ever find yourself smack dab in the middle of a full fledged cat fight, remember, the cat's most vulnerable area is the butlock.

However, it has also been said that cats are found to be sensitive near their front facing whiskers and behind their centrally located, backwards facing ear.

If in doubt, try grabbing their hind leg, but be careful. This leg can vary depending on which way they are facing.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Tho. Fuckin. Cool.

2010-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

Hey LOLfagth, ith me, Teddy. Better known to you ath King of Darkneth89.

Thith ith my new camera and ith thooper freakin' thweet.

I am tho taking thith out to my nexth LARPing party with Jake and Derek...I mean with Lord AlderbongXX and 69PrinthHellcock.

Thee ya thoon!

Safe Sex!

2010-02-02T22:28:00.000-08:00

And you thought romance was dead! You stupid asshole.

How many of us girls lie awake at night dreaming of our Knight in Shining Bubble Wrap Underwear and Sort of Overall Generic Plastic Medieval Looking Attire? I know I do. AND I happen to know for a fact that you do too. (I seeeeeee yooooou.)

Siiiiigh. Thou est dreamy.

America! Fuck Yeah!

2010-02-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

This here is my pet eagle, Patriot. Patriot is so goddamn smart he knows how to fetch me my bourbon every mornin at the crack of 11:30 AM. I love this fuckin bird so goddamn much I kicked my 3rd wife out of the house cause she kept complainin about picking up after this bird and all his crazy american pride themed parties. Patriot is also so fuckin clever I found him sittin in my den on my computer typin up a manifesto about the 2nd coming of Jesus and how the girl scounts are a bunch of fuckin commies they need to be shown who's boss.

Wooo-eeeee! You're goddamn right I love this bird. America is the motherfuckin best goddamn country on this entire stinkin shitfest planet. I DARE you to prove me and Patriot wrong. I won't live anywhere where a motherfuckin' eagle aint got a right to carry a blade around in his beak. I'll kill for that right. I'll swim across the goddamn ocean and kill a whole army of people I don't know just to fight for that right!

America! Fuck yeah!

Confusing? More like Funfusing!

2010-02-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a moment now to dedicate this post to BUMPER POOL.

You took a game that was already hard and made it even harder! I don't really understand the rules but I don't need to. So don't worry BUMPER POOL, like I told my grandpa, everything I needed to know about you I learned while playing with your balls.

Best. line. ever.

Cat Beard Concerned for Brett Erlich Face

2010-02-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

Brett Erlich Face,

Cat Beard see you on internet recently and felt much fear to see no cat or beard on face. Cat Beard very concerned for you. How you on TV? Your cat beard too small to see from far? Scared feeling for you, Brett Erlich little boy face. You be man now and grow cat beard too.

Cat Beard also see pale white Brett Erlich skin and wonder if sick. Brett Erlich afraid of sun? Cat Beard teach you to use knife so no afraid of nothing. Cat Beard thinks only thing to be afraid of is Brett Erlich bad jacket selection. Cat Beard send you personal shopper.

Cat Beard had long dream where ancient cat beard leader came and said Brett Erlich haircut is not for man but for boy and very dangerous. Many people got sick. Many animals died. Brett Erlich killed my tribe with his haircut. Cat Beard shed single tear when wake up. Cat Beard even skip Starbucks on way to work cause so sad. Cat Beard says you change hair now, Brett Erlich shame face. Don't kill my people.

Please get help with face and head. For Cat Beard sake. For everyone sake.

Friendship,

Cat Beard

And kick and step and twirl and lunge and kick...

2010-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

This is the only type of ballet you can expect to find me watching. Pictured here is Micael Barishnocat performing a contemporary rendition of Swan Lake, or as Barishnocat calls it, "Whatever the fuck gets me balls deep in some cat nip."

Swan Meow.

As a renowned ballet dancer, Barishnocat's style of dance has been described as, "elegant to behold, almost like watching yarn move over a blanket with gentle ease. Like a laser moving fluidly over the walls, Barishnocat enchants his audience using the subtle flick of a tail, and extends gracefully over the hands of his partners and on occasion, over the arms of chairs."

Two paws up! Way up!

Magical

2010-01-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

Not pictured: The Beast's giant erection.

Letters Home

2010-01-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

Shortly after two unidentified beings arrived to Earth via really, really long rope, a transmission was interrupted and deciphered by natives to read the following:

"Earth Dwellers,

Wasssssupppp!!!!!!!!!

I arrived today to your planet via really, really long rope and boy are my arms tired! HA HA! Jk! I am so freakin' excited to be here finally. I can't wait to meet y'all!

As you may have seen, my travel partner (you can call her #29) was resistant at first to my unconventional landing technique but eventually she finally relaxed and started to trust me which lead to a much more pleasurable experience for us both. I hope that new matching shirt and pants combo I got her for the trip might warm her up to trying a few new landing maneuvers later, if you know what I mean. I sure hope you do..............................................................................................................................................................
..................................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................(wink.)

Anyway, I hope to meet y'all as soon as I figure out how to navigate around the terrain without the use of these long ropes. Earth is wacky, I sure hope you have pleated khakis here too.

Laters,
Bill"

So many balls, so little time.

2010-01-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

Prior to this moment, the thought of participating in organized sports was about as desirable as the thought of living in a world without Spaghetti Cat. (Disorganized sports on the other hand...)

That all changed when my peepers took a gander at the above. I haven't seen that much blatant crotch grabbery since my gay uncle's 4th commitment ceremony!

Sadly, this is about as much action as that guy will ever see in his little Pelé area.

Guuh--oooooaaaaal!

Uncomfortable fun at 0500 hours!

2010-01-28T12:38:00.001-08:00

Looks like Sargent Omom (suggested spelling) ran one too many laps around the training field during boot camp this week. And don't be fooled, his (pilot?) friend is not napping delicately upon his chest, but rather leaning in for a stolen sniff of his comrade's new lavender vanilla fabric softener.

Please note the lady to the right who is trying to desperately to lean away from the fuckery next to her without being rude. For all of us familiar with subway etiquette, it takes time and grace to master the "get the fuck away from me" stance while barely moving a muscle.

Respect!

And On the 3rd Day...

2009-11-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

Heeeeey everyone. It’s me, Jesus Christ, and these are my balls.

See, the thing about balls...wait, let me rephrase. The thing about my balls is that every now and again, usually when I am at my grandma's house relaxing after a long afternoon of helping coach the local junior high school swim competition, they need to be warmed up just right to help me "prepare" for the next competition. Like I told those cops, I know I am not the one competing. But as long as I am there every day, helping motivate those strong young boys swim even one more lap, with or without their consent, I feel like I already am a winner, you know? Strict discipline and aggressive training is required if you want to be the best. And nothing says discipline and training like warming your balls on the table with your shoes off.

I can't even tell you how many Sunday dinners I've spent warming my balls near the old timey stove my grandma keeps to help pump smoke into the walls. Or more recently during the holidays, I switched it up to a basic 3 candle ball-warming routine, which let me tell you, TOTALLY gets the job done right.

My grandma often asks me, "Jesus, what would you say you are most passionate about? Swim competitions or Drag racing posters?" I take my grandma's delicate hands, similar in feel to that of a small Asian boy and I say sincerely, "Grandma, I think we both know my greatest passion in life is warming my balls". Of course that usually sends us both into a fit of giggles and I have to try desperately to keep my soft brown locks from falling into my eyes because I absolutely LOVE watching her laugh.

Area Man Attempts to Redeem Coupon at Wrong Location, Notices Too Late

2009-11-22T23:07:00.000-08:00

By Erika Schmidt

On Tuesday morning, local area man Jacob Smith attempted to redeem a coupon for a free bagel and coffee at the drive thru Dairy Donuts near his home, only to discover the offer was only valid at selected locations.

Smith claims he had the coupon for no more than 3 weeks yet admitted he never closely examined the content.

"My mistake now is obvious," Smith told the local authorities while shaking his head.

Upon arriving at the Dairy Donuts on the corner of Wilshire and Lexington, Smith ordered a small vanilla coffee and onion bagel with extra cream cheese.

"I guess I got a little carried away," Smith claimed in his first public appearance since the incident. "When they suggested I pick a flavor, I did so. I wasn't looking for argument. I simply wanted my free coffee and bagel. "

Smith said after being instructed to drive up to the first window, he searched for the coupon in his wallet. After handing the wrinkled coupon to the cashier, Smith described what happened next.

"The cashier looked it over and then curtly told me the coupon is only valid at the Wilshire and Washington location. I was stunned. The locations were within miles of each other. To make matters worse I remembered instantly I used my last $3 to buy that pack of gum at the store the night before. I realized the last 6 minutes waiting for my coffee and bagel had been a waste, and I was about to leave without either."

When questioned by authorities Smith admits to rarely having used coupons in the past.

"I'd say I've only gone through the process 2, maybe 3 times before, I'm no expert. Truthfully, the whole thing makes me sort of...uncomfortable."

Dairy Donuts refused to comment on this story but did refer us to their website where a copy of the coupon was made available.

"I guess this just isn't the sort of thing you think will happen to you," Smith explains, "I mean you hear it happening to other people, a friend of a friend, but never to you. It just really hit home. It's enough to turn you into a tea drinker for life."

Not weird.

2009-11-08T22:18:00.003-08:00

What? It's Sunday evening. What else is there to do?

Puh-lease don't even act like you are too good to play a game of "Put Dough On Your Face While Whiskers Prances In Front Of Your Grandma's Couch". It's a classic.

I'd have just gone with clowns.

2009-11-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Little-kid-somewhere-out-there-whose-parents-clearly-hate-him-or-her-and-are-passive-aggressively-trying-to-ruin-their-mental-well-being-by-giving-them-this-disturbing-Lil-Wayne-cake.

You grow up so fast!

Dr. Sands...of time?

2009-11-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Cavities, root canals, time travel.

Fat Guy on a rock.

2009-11-04T12:03:00.001-08:00

That is all.

Relax, everyone!

2009-11-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

Now THIS is an apocalyptic future I can get behind!

Finally.

2009-11-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

Technology explained in a way I can understand.

Keep up the good work, 'copter dog!

That's right buddy!

2009-11-04T11:46:00.001-08:00

Only a true gentlemen covers up his butt hole during meetings.

Class, style, poise.

Can't beat these amenities!

2009-11-04T11:41:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of trying to find a new place to live, I was deeply moved by this photo.

Our recently remodeled units feature:

Granite countertops
Extra storage and walk in closets
Outdoor pools
Private entrance/driveway
Moon rocks

Wait, what?

Now this is my kind of circus!

2009-11-04T11:36:00.001-08:00

What is black and white and rode all over?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night.

I wonder how many bears and/or horses had to die before they got this training right.

Do you think there are any illicit inter-species love affairs going on behind the scenes as there usually are in most circus type atmospheres? I sure hope so. I would pay big bucks for a Borse.

Leave your rubber chickens at home...

2009-11-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I will know one thing for sure. I will never be found shopping here.

Halloween never looked so good.

2009-10-28T16:56:00.001-07:00

I think this guy dressed up as a Mexican. I know so little about the culture but what I do know tells me this guy is 100% right on.

OB/GYN OMFG

2009-10-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've never seen a pelvic exam from the perspective of the doctor, but I imagine it looks something (exactly) like this.

What the Frak?!

2009-10-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a little while. I know I should have called. I can explain, really. I swear its not you its me. Can't we be friends?

In related news, there is something large living in my kitchen that I only catch glimpses of before it skitters away. I am assuming (correctly) that what I am actually seeing is the tail end of some lobster knife fights.

See Exhibit A.

Get out your glitter!

2009-09-10T23:49:00.001-07:00

Get your spandex on and clear that throat of yours because we are all about to collectively do a falsetto "Thhiiiis iissss raaaaaad" together.

I guess what I enjoy most about this photo, aside from everything, is the randomness in his choices of what to cover up on his body.

I mean, is that packing tape on his arm? What the fruit loop was he trying to achieve?

Uh Oh Luuucy, you in trrrrooouble

2009-09-10T23:46:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I feel sure that the next photo in this series shows that guy with his hands on his hips and his head shaking back and forth with a smile on his face. Oh that wacky wife of his! What will she do next?!

I'd like to see an entire sitcom based off this premise. "I Love Ming"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

2009-08-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

I accidentally ran this over with my car the other day, but not before taking it out on a date and tickling it while it sat on my lap (per my usual date routine).

Much like the wine, the conversation was a bit dry and it was nearly impossible to avoid asking the one question that was on everyone's mind...do the curtains match the pubes?

Answer: yes?

ChompChompChomp

2009-08-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like this is what Ann Coulter's vagina looks like.

I'm taking a risk here, people.

2009-08-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

I include this image not because it is hilarious on it's own, but rather that I saw it on a site next to the caption, "But will he ever poop again?"

Oh white panties guy, I hope you find whatever it is you're lookin' for.

Back to the (sexy) Future

2009-08-19T00:29:00.001-07:00

I've been talkin to my good pal S. Dubs lately about what true love really means. Well shit, girl. We spent way too much time talkin' and not enough time traveling into the future to take this snapshot of my wedding day. Well, it's either my wedding day or my brother and I officially lose our shit.

If you can find a happier naked fat couple with matching fat kittehs, then I will buy you a friend or two to take up more of your time and have a serious case of the sads for you.

Extra cheese, mushrooms, and ghost hand.

2009-08-19T00:21:00.001-07:00

I showed this picture to my cat earlier and was like, "Duuuude, what the fuck?! Do you see that shit?" and my cat was like, "Maaaan, whatever. That shit is totally fake. Like your face."

I can't really take anything my cat said too seriously. He was 3 beers deep already. We sure had a good laugh though.

Next time, I'll bring the beer and you bring the poodles.

2009-08-13T00:09:00.001-07:00

I may have had one hell of a Slip N Slide party recently, complete with fireworks (and ICE) but the one thing I didn't provide my guests were gay poodles. NEXT TIME.

Welcome...

2009-08-13T00:04:00.001-07:00

To my dreams.

I don't know about you, but this is kind of how I see all cats when I look at them.

Scientists somewhere on this planet took some time off recently from finding the cure for cancer and got down to some serious business.

Apparently this little guy is an 'artistic rendering' of what over 2,000 combined survey results would classify as the perfect pet. Apparently only those that were high on LSD at the time were questioned.

Perfect pet, eh? Come on now. Unless that catdograbbithorse opens his mouth and money, a Pegasus and Daniel Radcliffe's semen comes out, then I aint buyin'.

Semen?!

Take 2 and call me in the morning.

2009-08-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

My gynecologist uses special glasses to see into my ovaries and tell their future.

My uterus got some rave reviews. All in all, it was a pretty perfect exam. Aced it!

Although, it would have been better if my doctor hadn't been giggling the whole way through.

I can't wait to die.

2009-08-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

Because when I do, I will get one of these urns and creep the shit out of everyone who cared for me when I was alive.

Return Policy?

2009-07-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

While perusing the internet looking for young girls to buy, I found this little harlot trying to rip people off. I wrote her an angry letter:

Dear Jon Benet,
Um, HELLO???? No one is going to want to rape and torture you if you have a giant hole in your face. Get a clue.

Always watching,
Rapey

What's the point of raping a little girl if you can't wear her face afterwards? She better come with replacement parts or I want my $50 back.

Hittin the bottle again.

2009-07-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

This bitch is waaaasted!

Safety first.

2009-07-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Always remember to stretch before going into the pool.

Also, is this girl 12 or 35? I can't tell.

Instructions for petting a cat.

2009-07-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

Man, I've been doing it wrong.

Aw, thanks man.

2009-07-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

This just goes to show you that just about anything looks cool while smoking.

This cat is out on a date and is totally gonna get laid by red nail polish lady.

Now Showing

2009-07-20T21:37:00.001-07:00

This cat's ass is playing the series finale of Dallas now through August 1st.

Funny side note: I saw this photo about 3 times before I noticed those were mimes.

I'm losing my mime!

Go out with a bang!

2009-07-12T11:13:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen...

What you are viewing here is cutting edge science. This is one of the first snapshots that scientists were able to get of my FUTURE. Future capturing camera has shown us what we have all already assumed...

I will be one hot raccoon-sweater wearing, bong hittin, boozin grandma.

The best part is, I don't even smoke weed in the present, or past. I think it's completely retarded.

However, it would seem future Erika gets retarded. Progress?

Old School

2009-07-09T00:01:00.001-07:00

This really brings me back.

Back to the days of Gentlemanly cats and my old catch phrase.